There's a lot more that I want to write out on this, but as I was thinking about the other posts that I had made tonight, along with the talk I had with Kelly about all of this stuff, and then was writing a response to a current FB thread (http://www.facebook.com/JanetGreenley/posts/10150123855695920) this simple post ended up becoming paragraphs long. I figured it was probably better to put my ramblings out in here, rather than in a little comment window ;)
Honestly, I can't deal with Liam having a good day screwed to hell by some kid who thinks it's funny to pick on him and doesn't realize that he goes from 0 to explosion when teased. I'm thankful Liam didn't do what he's done on other occasions, which is grab the kid by the throat and squeeze until someone makes him let go. (Of course, part of me thinks the kid deserves to have Liam flip on him... especially since the other kid has been warned that Liam doesn't always control himself and has "problems"... but then Liam would get permanently kicked off the bus. :P and yes, I know that's not a good thought and I DON'T want him hurting someone else, but I'm frustrated beyond belief here and I'm tired of him getting his feelings hurt.)
Liam always loved doing "schoolwork". He thinks that workbooks, worksheets, etc are the greatest things in the world. He LOVES learning. He could spend hours in a museum or looking through anatomy books. He'll beg for "educational" type things. He's always done that. On our plane flight to Oregon, he asked for math worksheets and reading worksheets from school, rather than video games to play. We go into Costco and he looks for new school workbooks.
That's why this sudden hatred of everything school is really frustrating. He's so afraid to be wrong. He's so afraid of being teased for saying or doing something wrong. He doesn't WANT to do stuff at school, because kids might see he did it wrong. BUT he'll still do the "curriculum" workbooks for his grade level at home.
He gets 'stuck' on stuff from school because he can't process the way they teach it. Several times this year, I've had to tell him "No, forget how they taught you. Try this" and re-teach him the way he needs to hear it and BOOM he gets it. (Then I email the teacher and tell her "Hey, I told him to do it different and he understands it. This is what I did" if it's something really different)
That's why I'm wondering if switching him to PACyber, where Ethan is in K4 (pre-k), might work better for him. I've gotten a feel for how the curriculum is with Ethan, and how the day goes. I've also been able to get Ethan to actually sit down daily and do the work without any trouble at all. He loves the "work". I realize Liam would be doing harder work than Ethan, but other people do it without issue... and we could slow down and work through the things he needs to take more time on and go quicker through the things he has already got down pat. If he's forced to work more on things he already understands, he freaks. He begins to get antsy and then is certain he's messed up and can't do it. I'd like to be able to spend more time with some of his spelling. They move through a list of 15 words in a week. He MIGHT remember them for the test, and then he's completely forgotten them weeks later. Leading to frustrations and arguments when he asks how to spell them and we remind him that was the one he had on last week's spelling test and ask him to try first.
I've spent years with anxiety issues (and depression). I've only been diagnosed for maybe 10ish years, but looking back I had them from around his age. I know how terrifying it is to KNOW the right answer and KNOW what to say, but have that fear that everyone will laugh because you'll trip, sneeze, make your number look weird on the chalk board, say the wrong thing... I spent many times not answering in class or being afraid to write on a paper because someone might see I'm taking too long, or that I'm going too quickly.
I missed out on my chance at finishing college with my friends because of it. I had awesome classes at Pitt that I wanted to be in... that I wanted to do. I had biology labs my first semester where we dissected pigs! It was SO COOL! But I couldn't go to class because I was afraid of walking in late, or too early, or messing up something as we learned. I would panic so much I couldn't enter the building. Then I would panic because I couldn't tell anyone. Then I would panic because I was failing because I couldn't contact anyone to tell them I had a problem. Just watch the snowball get bigger and roll down the hill faster.....
I don't leave the house many days because of it even now. I don't call the doctor, even if I'm having bad pains, because they might think I'm wrong. I forget things pretty easily, and they might think I'm lying when I forget something. I occasionally can't figure out how to speak certain words, which is not only annoying, but rather embarrassing, as I'm standing talking to someone and I can't remember the word "water" as I'm trying to ask for a glass of water.
It just kills me to have the same thing happen to Liam. To see him so anxious and freaked out makes me angry, upset, and.. well.. anxious and freaked out. There isn't a fucking thing I can do either. Dr Faber doesn't want to raise his meds since higher doses can LEAD to anxiety and stress... and we don't want to make him more anxious. I'm doing my best to keep him GFCFSF, but I haven't figured out how to afford the food for him for lunch, and the school says they can't provide it (even tho I have found sites that say the school is legally required to provide it... I just can't go in and argue about it with my anxiety issues).
ARGH! It's just so frustrating.... Think it's time for some melatonin and my pillow... maybe when I wake up in the morning, it will have all gone back to "normal".
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