Mothering then and now

Before I had children, I knew how I was going to raise them.  When I was told that I wouldn't be able to have children, I still knew how I'd raise my potential off-spring:

• I would breastfeed them until they self-weaned.
• I would make my own baby food and never purchase the jars in the store.
• My children would be home schooled (or un-schooled) starting at preschool age.
• I would never resort to spanking/smacking for any reason.
• My children would sleep in my bed anytime they wanted to.
• I would never raise my voice to my child.
• My child would have labeled bins/shelves to put all of his/her toys in when play was over, and would take good care of their toys.
• Laundry would be sorted and done so the kids (and myself) always had clean clothes to wear.
• My children would be polite to their elders and I would enjoy taking them into public with me.

I guess I should start off by saying that I did breastfeed Ethan until he self-weaned at 3, and Liam for 2 1/2 years, which is longer than the "average".  I also let the kids sleep in bed with me almost anytime they want to.  A lot of that has to do with husband not wanting them in the bed and thinking they should be in their own bed.  I also should add that I also did cloth diapers 99% of the time with Ethan, and wish that would have been on my list with Liam too.

As for the rest of the stuff...  well, I didn't quite live up to what I wanted...  not even CLOSE.

What makes it all worse is this person who I used to think was a very very good friend of mine (I'll call her 'S'), who used to tell me how silly I was to want to home school.  Anytime I talked about homeschooling with S, she told me that I should reconsider and not be so selfish.  No matter what I told her about why I wanted to home school, she was certain that I wanted to only to keep him away from other kids and shelter him for the rest of his life.  I will admit that I expected that argument from my Mom.  When I was in elementary school a friend of mine was home schooled for the reason of keeping her away from everyone else and the "bad influences".  Other of my friends home schooled their kids and a close friend even un-schooled her children for the longest time.  When I started having issues with Liam (which I'll get into later) and realized that I was going to need some additional help with him, I was very thrilled to find Environmental Charter School to put him in.  I still miss that I didn't get a chance to home school him, but I am glad that I found such a wonderful school.  Now S has young children of her own and she is adamant that her children will *never* go to public (or private) schools and will only be home schooled.  When I remind her of how she used to make me feel horrible for this, just says it never happened.

There are times that I feel like a total failure as a Mom.  People like S don't help this one bit. 

Then add in the "issues" that Liam has...  I'm sure I'll get into more detail overtime (since that's one of the points of this blog), but Liam has been diagnosed with an alphabet of issues.  Right now he's at PDD-NOS, ADHD, Rule-Out Mood Disorder, and something else that my brain is blanking on this late at night.  We had a lot of issues last year, until we got him on Strattera and then the dosage settled to the right level.  He now has a TSS (Therapeutic Support Staff) coming twice a week to do what is called Wrap-Around.  At the moment, the goal is to actually *try* to set him off so we can work on things to do when he has issues.  Thankfully, the Strattera has made that a bit more difficult.  His 1st grade teacher reports very little issues that aren't normal 1st grade behaviors.  He's a very intelligent little guy and I'm hoping that now that a lot of his issues are getting under control, his intelligence will really blossom the way I think it will. 

There are times when I am "sure" the reason that Liam has issues is because I didn't do something I should have (see the list above).  I know that's not the reason....  and I'd smack another mother who said the same thing, but at times it's hard.  When you are out in public with your 6 year old (who is tall for his age and easily looks 8) and he has a complete melt down because you told him he couldn't lick the floors, and he ends up kicking, screaming, throwing, and just making one heck of a scene....  it's pretty hard to ignore the looks of people.  The "OMG!  Look at that awful mother!"  and the "She doesn't know how to parent!" looks are especially disturbing.  There are times when I really wish that I could just explain that he's special needs and do what needs to be done.  There have been times when what he really needs is to be held very tightly for a few moments until he can get himself under control and then he's suddenly fine.  Strangers in the mall don't understand this.  Honestly, I don't really expect them to....  It would just be nice if they didn't immediately do the "HORRIBLE PARENT" routine. 

Now I am dealing with Ethan's speech issues...  I don't really know of anyone who can understand him more than half of the time.  He speaks...  and during an eval, we discovered he is actually speaking in full sentences.  You just can't understand most of what he says.  It's frustrating to not only us, but to him.  He can't communicate the way an almost 4 year old should and it ends in tantrums.  Heck, sometimes it ends in ME having the tantrum!  He now has speech therapy two days a week and while he's only been going for a few weeks, I've already noticed a change in a few of his words.  He loves therapy and thinks his therapist is great.

Now if we could figure out the other tantrums he does....  Good recent example was today:
It's cold in our house.  Hubby and I didn't get the heat turned on until tonight due to all of the things that have to be done to get it turned on (it's an older system with water radiators that work really good, but are a PITA to get set up).  Anyways, so the house has been cold since it's been like 40 degrees outside.  Ethan hates clothes.  The kid will look like Rudolph with the red nose, but he won't put on clothes.  I dress him.  I really do.  But as soon as I turn my back for a second, he's undressed in a flash and the clothes are hidden somewhere.  Today he was all dressed at about 3.  I was praising him for going potty and re-dressing himself all day.  I told him when brother comes home from the bus, we'd need to leave to take him to his evening camp.  I checked voicemail to call someone back from earlier and when I turned around, Ethan's naked.  I tell him to please go put on clothes while I make this phone call.  He throws himself to the floor, screaming uncontrollably.  I ask him what is wrong, but his "Hysterical" switch has already been flipped.  He spends a good 10 minutes on the floor, rolling around, screaming.  I make my phone call so I can catch the woman before she leaves and before we have to leave.  Ethan continues high pitched screaming this whole time.  When I get off the phone, I tell him that we need to find clothes.  He goes over to the stairs and hits himself against them.  I stop him and he goes limp.  Now this is "normal" for him.  He goes "hrmpf" and just goes limp.  Stares at you with his head to the side and his arms and legs just...  well..  limp.  I swear he gains like 20 pounds in weight when he does it too.  He will also arch his back so if you don't have a good grip on him, there's a good chance you'll drop him or come close enough to scare the crap out of yourself.  I try to reason with the kid, who now won't even make eye contact with me, that it's cold out.  He needs clothes on.  Brother wants to go to WK, so let's find something.  He hits me.  At this point I sit him down on the stairs.  He "hrmpfs" down until he's laying in a puddle on the floor.  *sigh*  So I walk away to get a drink and see if I can figure out where the "off" switch is on the kid.  Liam appears home.  I let him in and tell him not to get too comfy -- we are going to WK.  He sees the Ethan-puddle and asks if Ethan is coming with us to drop him off.  I say yes and he proceeds to tell Ethan that we're going to leave without him...  which makes the limp puddle scream while staying impressively limp.  At this point I go upstairs to find clothes for the lump.  I find PJs and figure that will be good.  I come downstairs and Ethan has decided that HE is putting them on and no one is to touch him.  If someone lays a finger on him, he screams like we're burning him or something.  Ok, fine.  Put the clothes on.  He does everything in his power to put the clothes on wrong...  backwards, upside down, inside out...  Liam offers to help.  Ethan attacks him.  Liam attacks back.  I want to go hide.  Finally Liam and I get Ethan into the clothes.  I send Liam to get his coat on go to the car.  Ethan flops on the floor, seemingly unable to move.  I carry the lump to the car and fight him into his car seat.  He will NOT go into a car with a coat on, and I felt it too cold (raining and mid 30s) to let him take it off.  He "hrmpfs" in the car the whole 4 minute drive.  If Liam looks at him, he screams.  We drop Liam off (about 30 minutes late), go home and I carry lump upstairs.  He collapses into a puddle on the floor and then the cat walks past.  Suddenly he's fine.  *click*  He stands up and says "Mama, can I have TV show?"

This is a pretty tame example of what he'll do.  He'll do the "floppy baby" in the middle of a road while walking, in stores, while he's standing infront of you, while being held, while laying in bed, strapped in a car seat.... At a friend's father's FUNERAL.

*sigh*  No wonder I'm on anxiety medicines and have issues with keeping up with house work. 

This morning when Liam left for school, he came into my room and 'tucked' me into bed (I try to sleep a bit longer with Ethan when he goes to get the bus with Karl), asked if I needed anything before they left, turned off my light, and blew me kisses telling me he loves me.  It was so sweet I almost cried.  It made me realize that even the tantrums and worries of what other people will think doesn't say what kind of parent I am.  What makes me a good mother is the fact that my son is that loving and caring.  That is a learned instinct, only gotten from good parents. :)