So Spring Break for both of the boys has begun... Liam had a half day of school today (Thursday since the feed seems to take a while to hit FB) and then is off Friday and Monday. Ethan's school was closed today through Tuesday. "Spring Break" isn't really meaning much for Ethan at the moment. His days are going to be mostly the same. I'm still planning on doing school work with him on Monday, if I can get Liam to not bother him while he does some lessons. But if the distraction is too big, we'll just wait until Tuesday to kick back into lessons.
Tomorrow morning, Mom is going to pick the boys up and keep them overnight. She requested to have them overnight. She also planned on getting Liam's hair trimmed before his school pictures next Wednesday. Liam is starting to look a bit like a sheep dog ;) Ethan's bangs are getting so long I'm not completely sure how he can see out through them.
I love it when Mom takes the boys overnight, but I also get really sad. I'm so used to having the little monsters around that I'm not sure what to do when they aren't here. I've never been one to want my children to go away. Yeah, I joke about it. Occasionally even beg someone to take them or to sell them to the highest bidder... but honestly, I like the little rugrats. I've known people who insist that they have to have X weekends away from their children a year. One person I knew even made a list at the start of the year pretty much saying "I don't want my children around me on these dates" and would list 2 weekends a month she wanted someone to take the kids. I'm sure she'd have shipped them off more if she could.
And really, for as much as I complain that I can't get a thing done with them under foot... I honestly don't know what to do when they AREN'T under foot. I'll have Friday afternoon, Friday evening, Friday night, and Saturday morning kid-free.... My big plans as of right now are to go to Ikea to get those magazine holders to organize my office and maybe take some allergy medicine and take a nap. Wow. Exciting! And honestly, I feel guilty about wanting to go to Ikea when the kids aren't coming with me. I'm considering doing that errand in the morning before Mom picks the kids up, just so they can go play in Smalland while I shop.
I'm just lost as to what to do without the kids around. The last 7 1/2 years they have been my entire life. Even a day away from them is just way too odd for me to be able to wrap my head around completely.
I guess in a way it's a good thing. I wasn't raised in a family who had constant babysitters. If I couldn't go somewhere with my parents, they didn't go. I did have a babysitter on occasion in my cousin Nadine (Tho I think that was more her asking to watch me than Mom asking her to watch me *lol*), and when Mom went on trips with ICES (International Cake Exploration Society), Grandma and Papa "watched" me while Dad was at work (and most of the time when he was home too since he could be quite the grump). Mom always said that she wanted me around and wanted to have me, so why would she not want to be around me?
But I can also see a big problem with this. I never really have any downtime. I don't really take anytime to take care of myself. I run until I pretty much collapse and then let the boys play video games upstairs while I sleep. Not really a good thing for me (or them more than likely).
I really should enjoy the fact that Mom is taking them overnight and do something for me. I thought about doing some cleaning, but honestly, that's something I can (and should) do when the boys are home. The weather is nice enough now to send them out back to play in the yard together while I do cleaning -- or I can set them up with a movie or a game on the wii while I clean. I should start off the day with getting a nice relaxing shower, and then do something that I can't do when I'm taking care of the boys. I know they are safe and well taken care of while she has them... and they won't drive her too insane (and if they do it's a pretty short drive). I have a cell phone on me at all times so if there is a problem, she can call me. There's really no reason why I shouldn't enjoy this.
So what should I do? Any thoughts?
Showing posts with label mothering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mothering. Show all posts
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Awesome evening
I've been told before that all I do is complain about the boys. I don't intend to, but I mostly use blogs and such as ways to vent after exceptionally rough days... so I suppose it does seem like all I do is complain about the boys.
Anyways, I wanted to point out a really awesome evening that I had with the boys tonight. I had hired a friend's son for manual labor around the house (he needs money, I need things done that I either haven't done or can't do, so it works out beautifully), so we dropped him off at his place and then were going to go get some food. I had thought about going out to Ikea so I could pick up some magazine holders, but the boys were overly wired and Liam hadn't finished his homework yet.
Liam was ticked off, even tho I had told him a few dozen times to finish up the last bit of homework he had so we could do something fun after we dropped off the kiddo. Nope. He would rather scream and throw a fit. Ok, fine, but then we aren't going the whole way out to Ikea when he has homework to do.
On the ride back towards the house, I started asking Liam about questions that were on his homework. Then I remembered I had a notepad in my bag. We pulled over so I could pull out the notepad and a pencil, then I told him we were going to work on the assignment on the way home. If he would work on it, then we could possibly go somewhere cool for dinner. Otherwise, we'd pick up what I needed for the rabbit, and go home.
He was pissed. He insisted he couldn't do anything without the book. I told him that I would help him to remember little details, so just quit screaming and freaking out and let's talk it out. He knew the questions that were on the paper, since they are the same each week. He had no trouble remembering those... and really, he had very little trouble remembering the parts of the story. It was like pulling teeth to get the first few easier things out, but once he got those out, he was doing really good. He ended up "finishing" the assignment even before we got to the house. We passed the house and headed off to dinner. He was quite proud of himself, as was I!
I had been trying to figure out what to do for dinner. Then I remembered I had coupons for Boston Market. I asked Liam if he wanted to go there, and he was all for it. After we ordered, I realized I didn't pick the coupons up at home, but the food was more than worth it anyways. Ethan ended up having Macaroni and Cheese with a side of Macaroni and Cheese :P Liam had a bit of an issue with picking out food since we had to avoid the gluten and casein. What he really wanted was corn. Last time we went, they told us the corn was in butter, so I told him that the corn wouldn't work. He was annoyed, but found they have a new "Garlicky Spinach" that he went for right away. The girl filling our order asked what his allergy was and I told her. She then offered to go into the back and open a new pack of corn, since when they get it in, it's plain. Liam was THRILLED! He got to have butter-free corn! :) So he had turkey with garlicky spinach, butter-free corn, and cinnamon apples. He was in heaven!
Both kids sat and ate their entire meals. No fighting. No screaming. The only dropped food on the floor was when Liam had a cinnamon apple try to run for it off of his fork. They both finished their entire plates. I ended up taking about half of mine home, but they ate all of theirs. I had some kosher dark chocolate in my purse and ended up giving each of them a piece to eat while I went to the bathroom before we left. I came back from the bathroom to see them talking nicely to each other and they had cleaned the whole table!
It was honestly the best dinner I've had with them in ages.
I was feeling a bit blah (this "spring" shit is wreaking havoc on my allergies. I hate it when things bloom. My head feels like it's going to burst.) so I said that we were just going to hit Petsmart across the street to pick up the bunny nail clippers that I wanted to get and then we'd head home. They were even pretty good in the store! I did have to talk to Ethan about randomly walking up to people and their dogs and starting to pet them, but that's not a huge deal. He was being nice and gentle (which is a big change from how he used to be), but some dogs just don't like kids, and he doesn't get that at all. He also thinks it's "awesome" when the dogs jump up on him and knock him over or lick his face.
Both boys are fast asleep and I think I am going to attempt to clip one of the bunny's nails and then go to sleep myself :)
Anyways, I wanted to point out a really awesome evening that I had with the boys tonight. I had hired a friend's son for manual labor around the house (he needs money, I need things done that I either haven't done or can't do, so it works out beautifully), so we dropped him off at his place and then were going to go get some food. I had thought about going out to Ikea so I could pick up some magazine holders, but the boys were overly wired and Liam hadn't finished his homework yet.
Liam was ticked off, even tho I had told him a few dozen times to finish up the last bit of homework he had so we could do something fun after we dropped off the kiddo. Nope. He would rather scream and throw a fit. Ok, fine, but then we aren't going the whole way out to Ikea when he has homework to do.
On the ride back towards the house, I started asking Liam about questions that were on his homework. Then I remembered I had a notepad in my bag. We pulled over so I could pull out the notepad and a pencil, then I told him we were going to work on the assignment on the way home. If he would work on it, then we could possibly go somewhere cool for dinner. Otherwise, we'd pick up what I needed for the rabbit, and go home.
He was pissed. He insisted he couldn't do anything without the book. I told him that I would help him to remember little details, so just quit screaming and freaking out and let's talk it out. He knew the questions that were on the paper, since they are the same each week. He had no trouble remembering those... and really, he had very little trouble remembering the parts of the story. It was like pulling teeth to get the first few easier things out, but once he got those out, he was doing really good. He ended up "finishing" the assignment even before we got to the house. We passed the house and headed off to dinner. He was quite proud of himself, as was I!
I had been trying to figure out what to do for dinner. Then I remembered I had coupons for Boston Market. I asked Liam if he wanted to go there, and he was all for it. After we ordered, I realized I didn't pick the coupons up at home, but the food was more than worth it anyways. Ethan ended up having Macaroni and Cheese with a side of Macaroni and Cheese :P Liam had a bit of an issue with picking out food since we had to avoid the gluten and casein. What he really wanted was corn. Last time we went, they told us the corn was in butter, so I told him that the corn wouldn't work. He was annoyed, but found they have a new "Garlicky Spinach" that he went for right away. The girl filling our order asked what his allergy was and I told her. She then offered to go into the back and open a new pack of corn, since when they get it in, it's plain. Liam was THRILLED! He got to have butter-free corn! :) So he had turkey with garlicky spinach, butter-free corn, and cinnamon apples. He was in heaven!
Both kids sat and ate their entire meals. No fighting. No screaming. The only dropped food on the floor was when Liam had a cinnamon apple try to run for it off of his fork. They both finished their entire plates. I ended up taking about half of mine home, but they ate all of theirs. I had some kosher dark chocolate in my purse and ended up giving each of them a piece to eat while I went to the bathroom before we left. I came back from the bathroom to see them talking nicely to each other and they had cleaned the whole table!
It was honestly the best dinner I've had with them in ages.
I was feeling a bit blah (this "spring" shit is wreaking havoc on my allergies. I hate it when things bloom. My head feels like it's going to burst.) so I said that we were just going to hit Petsmart across the street to pick up the bunny nail clippers that I wanted to get and then we'd head home. They were even pretty good in the store! I did have to talk to Ethan about randomly walking up to people and their dogs and starting to pet them, but that's not a huge deal. He was being nice and gentle (which is a big change from how he used to be), but some dogs just don't like kids, and he doesn't get that at all. He also thinks it's "awesome" when the dogs jump up on him and knock him over or lick his face.
Both boys are fast asleep and I think I am going to attempt to clip one of the bunny's nails and then go to sleep myself :)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Update on Liam
At ECS, each kid has a "shape" for the day. Their shape starts at 'green' and then moves to 'yellow' or 'red' as behaviors indicate. For Liam's class, if they end up on 'green' at the end of the day they get $2 in classroom bucks. 'Yellow' is nothing and 'red' is that the kid owes $5 in classroom bucks.
We ended up modifying Liam's a bit more, in the hopes of being able to track his issues and then once the time is pinpointed, we can then figure out how to fix it. With Liam's he now has smilies for his day. He has two columns to get smilies: "I will make responsible choices" and "I will follow directions the first time they are given". He can get a smile for each of those two columns for each segment of the day. At the end of the day if he gets 16 or more, he gets $2; 12-15 and he gets $1; 8-11 and he gets $0; less than 8 and he owes $5. If he has any issues where he is violent, it's an automatic "red". I sign them at the end of the day (or usually at the end of the week since I scan them in for reference later).
If he gets on "red" (or has any other major issue), he needs to fill out what is called a "Think About It" sheet. This is set up like a letter to home, where he has to say what happened (ie, "I had to move my shape to red today because...." and then it says that he'll work on his behavior, learn from his mistakes, etc. and then he signs it. Then I sign it and return it.
Since he had his "incident" yesterday at dismissal, he didn't get to do his "Think About It" sheet right away like normal. He needed to do it first thing this morning. I was really worried that this would set him off again and he'd flip. Sometimes even asking about an incident days later will upset him and literally ruin the entire day. He gets so upset (or maybe anxious??) about the incident that he just seems to not be able to handle talking about it. It will cry and then completely shut down. I think he's embarrassed about what happened.
I wasn't sure what to expect for today.
I'm happy to report I was pleasantly surprised! I got an email from his teacher saying that he did AWESOME! He sat and talked to her. He was calm. CALM! He talked about ways he could have calmed himself, things he should have done instead, etc. THEN he went on to have an AWESOME day and even got 2 bonus smilies!!!
WOO HOO!!!
I completely realize that this might be the only good day we have for a month, or it could be the start of an upswing and we could have a few weeks of this before it all goes down into flames. Really, there is no way to know. I'm hoping that this is, at least, a good upswing. I think both Liam and I could use that.
But really, it's still one day at a time.
We ended up modifying Liam's a bit more, in the hopes of being able to track his issues and then once the time is pinpointed, we can then figure out how to fix it. With Liam's he now has smilies for his day. He has two columns to get smilies: "I will make responsible choices" and "I will follow directions the first time they are given". He can get a smile for each of those two columns for each segment of the day. At the end of the day if he gets 16 or more, he gets $2; 12-15 and he gets $1; 8-11 and he gets $0; less than 8 and he owes $5. If he has any issues where he is violent, it's an automatic "red". I sign them at the end of the day (or usually at the end of the week since I scan them in for reference later).
If he gets on "red" (or has any other major issue), he needs to fill out what is called a "Think About It" sheet. This is set up like a letter to home, where he has to say what happened (ie, "I had to move my shape to red today because...." and then it says that he'll work on his behavior, learn from his mistakes, etc. and then he signs it. Then I sign it and return it.
Since he had his "incident" yesterday at dismissal, he didn't get to do his "Think About It" sheet right away like normal. He needed to do it first thing this morning. I was really worried that this would set him off again and he'd flip. Sometimes even asking about an incident days later will upset him and literally ruin the entire day. He gets so upset (or maybe anxious??) about the incident that he just seems to not be able to handle talking about it. It will cry and then completely shut down. I think he's embarrassed about what happened.
I wasn't sure what to expect for today.
I'm happy to report I was pleasantly surprised! I got an email from his teacher saying that he did AWESOME! He sat and talked to her. He was calm. CALM! He talked about ways he could have calmed himself, things he should have done instead, etc. THEN he went on to have an AWESOME day and even got 2 bonus smilies!!!
WOO HOO!!!
I completely realize that this might be the only good day we have for a month, or it could be the start of an upswing and we could have a few weeks of this before it all goes down into flames. Really, there is no way to know. I'm hoping that this is, at least, a good upswing. I think both Liam and I could use that.
But really, it's still one day at a time.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Minor accomplishment
This is going to be a quick post since I'm sleepy and really want to go to sleep, but I didn't want to go to sleep without at least writing down the good thing that happened today.
Liam had an iffy day at school, which ended in a bad day. I got a call from his teacher a few minutes after he got onto the bus and she said that something happened and he ended up hitting another kid in the face. She said it took three teachers to get him to calm down and get to his bus.
Now, you are more than likely confused since I said something good happened today. No, I didn't hate the kid he hit -- matter of fact, I like the kid. That's not the part that I'm happy about in the slightest.
I talked to his teacher for bit to try to figure out what our game plan is from here. We are lucky with how much Liam's teachers have been willing to work with us so far. All of his teachers so far have been really helpful and really do care about him.
Anyways, I had been working on school lessons with Ethan when she called. I went back to his lessons when I got off the phone and started formulating my own game plan for what to do when Liam got home. Last night we had hours of screaming, crying, throwing things, and even had Liam smacking himself against the doors and walls during his fit. I really didn't want a repeat of that tonight. I had a meeting to go to, so I also didn't want to leave the house in the middle of a screaming fit.
When Liam got home, I let him in and asked how his day was. He told me 'yellow'. I asked if he was sure and he looked at me, sighed and said it was 'red'. I told him I had already talked to his teacher since she was worried about him and we didn't want him to keep having these kind of days. Then I dropped it. Told him to grab a snack and then bring his backpack into the room. When he came in, I asked what homework he had, and set up a TV show for Ethan and told Liam he could watch it. After about 30 mins, I called Liam upstairs. I brought his math homework and his reading homework up with me.
He was a bit crabby about going up, but went up and sat with me in bed. I showed him the mp3 player that he'll be able to use on the bus (this is a technique to get him to ignore the bully who keeps picking on him, so the bully can get in trouble instead of Liam getting so upset that he attacks the bully and then he gets kicked off the bus), then I asked him if he could talk about what happened at school. He did whine and start a bit of a fit, but I just told him that I needed to know what happened so we could all work together so he didn't have days like this.
Surprisingly, it didn't take much more than that. I won't go into detail about exactly what he told me, but he said was playing around with boy #1 and then tried to continue with boy #2, but I'm guessing he had gotten himself too riled up and excited and ended up either actually hitting boy #2 or coming close enough to make boy #2 think he tried to hit him and it got translated to a hit. Either way, he thought he was playing and then as far as he knew, it turned into him being told he hit someone -- which led to a melt down.
He actually talked for quite some time about the whole thing. I think I might have gotten him to at least understand why the other kid thought he got hit (I decided to compromise a bit and not push whether or not the kid actually got hit. Even a close call was enough in my opinion for what I was trying to do). I also tried to emphasize that he can't just fall to the ground and have a total melt down, requiring three teachers to calm him down. If something isn't right, he needs to talk about it and not flip. His tantrums can be pretty major. He's a tall kid and he's strong. He broke my nose when he was littler, and I'm pretty sure if he went into a full tantrum, he could easily inflict a lot of accidental damage. I don't want that to happen to anyone else, and I don't want him to have to deal with that guilt on top of all of this other shit. I've seen him feel really bad after injuring me or Ethan.
Anyways, from that, he did his math worksheet and a good chunk of his reading. When I left for my meeting, I told him what I wanted him to do of the rest of his reading since we want to do something tomorrow evening and then the Autism Awareness event on Thursday. I told him that I wanted as much done as possible so we didn't have to deal with it tomorrow/Thursday. When I came home, he had done almost everything. He only had a little bit left, which will be easy for him to finish up tomorrow night... as long as we can deal without a tantrum again...
Liam had an iffy day at school, which ended in a bad day. I got a call from his teacher a few minutes after he got onto the bus and she said that something happened and he ended up hitting another kid in the face. She said it took three teachers to get him to calm down and get to his bus.
Now, you are more than likely confused since I said something good happened today. No, I didn't hate the kid he hit -- matter of fact, I like the kid. That's not the part that I'm happy about in the slightest.
I talked to his teacher for bit to try to figure out what our game plan is from here. We are lucky with how much Liam's teachers have been willing to work with us so far. All of his teachers so far have been really helpful and really do care about him.
Anyways, I had been working on school lessons with Ethan when she called. I went back to his lessons when I got off the phone and started formulating my own game plan for what to do when Liam got home. Last night we had hours of screaming, crying, throwing things, and even had Liam smacking himself against the doors and walls during his fit. I really didn't want a repeat of that tonight. I had a meeting to go to, so I also didn't want to leave the house in the middle of a screaming fit.
When Liam got home, I let him in and asked how his day was. He told me 'yellow'. I asked if he was sure and he looked at me, sighed and said it was 'red'. I told him I had already talked to his teacher since she was worried about him and we didn't want him to keep having these kind of days. Then I dropped it. Told him to grab a snack and then bring his backpack into the room. When he came in, I asked what homework he had, and set up a TV show for Ethan and told Liam he could watch it. After about 30 mins, I called Liam upstairs. I brought his math homework and his reading homework up with me.
He was a bit crabby about going up, but went up and sat with me in bed. I showed him the mp3 player that he'll be able to use on the bus (this is a technique to get him to ignore the bully who keeps picking on him, so the bully can get in trouble instead of Liam getting so upset that he attacks the bully and then he gets kicked off the bus), then I asked him if he could talk about what happened at school. He did whine and start a bit of a fit, but I just told him that I needed to know what happened so we could all work together so he didn't have days like this.
Surprisingly, it didn't take much more than that. I won't go into detail about exactly what he told me, but he said was playing around with boy #1 and then tried to continue with boy #2, but I'm guessing he had gotten himself too riled up and excited and ended up either actually hitting boy #2 or coming close enough to make boy #2 think he tried to hit him and it got translated to a hit. Either way, he thought he was playing and then as far as he knew, it turned into him being told he hit someone -- which led to a melt down.
He actually talked for quite some time about the whole thing. I think I might have gotten him to at least understand why the other kid thought he got hit (I decided to compromise a bit and not push whether or not the kid actually got hit. Even a close call was enough in my opinion for what I was trying to do). I also tried to emphasize that he can't just fall to the ground and have a total melt down, requiring three teachers to calm him down. If something isn't right, he needs to talk about it and not flip. His tantrums can be pretty major. He's a tall kid and he's strong. He broke my nose when he was littler, and I'm pretty sure if he went into a full tantrum, he could easily inflict a lot of accidental damage. I don't want that to happen to anyone else, and I don't want him to have to deal with that guilt on top of all of this other shit. I've seen him feel really bad after injuring me or Ethan.
Anyways, from that, he did his math worksheet and a good chunk of his reading. When I left for my meeting, I told him what I wanted him to do of the rest of his reading since we want to do something tomorrow evening and then the Autism Awareness event on Thursday. I told him that I wanted as much done as possible so we didn't have to deal with it tomorrow/Thursday. When I came home, he had done almost everything. He only had a little bit left, which will be easy for him to finish up tomorrow night... as long as we can deal without a tantrum again...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Random thoughts after the "homework" debacle that was tonight...
There's a lot more that I want to write out on this, but as I was thinking about the other posts that I had made tonight, along with the talk I had with Kelly about all of this stuff, and then was writing a response to a current FB thread (http://www.facebook.com/JanetGreenley/posts/10150123855695920) this simple post ended up becoming paragraphs long. I figured it was probably better to put my ramblings out in here, rather than in a little comment window ;)
Honestly, I can't deal with Liam having a good day screwed to hell by some kid who thinks it's funny to pick on him and doesn't realize that he goes from 0 to explosion when teased. I'm thankful Liam didn't do what he's done on other occasions, which is grab the kid by the throat and squeeze until someone makes him let go. (Of course, part of me thinks the kid deserves to have Liam flip on him... especially since the other kid has been warned that Liam doesn't always control himself and has "problems"... but then Liam would get permanently kicked off the bus. :P and yes, I know that's not a good thought and I DON'T want him hurting someone else, but I'm frustrated beyond belief here and I'm tired of him getting his feelings hurt.)
Liam always loved doing "schoolwork". He thinks that workbooks, worksheets, etc are the greatest things in the world. He LOVES learning. He could spend hours in a museum or looking through anatomy books. He'll beg for "educational" type things. He's always done that. On our plane flight to Oregon, he asked for math worksheets and reading worksheets from school, rather than video games to play. We go into Costco and he looks for new school workbooks.
That's why this sudden hatred of everything school is really frustrating. He's so afraid to be wrong. He's so afraid of being teased for saying or doing something wrong. He doesn't WANT to do stuff at school, because kids might see he did it wrong. BUT he'll still do the "curriculum" workbooks for his grade level at home.
He gets 'stuck' on stuff from school because he can't process the way they teach it. Several times this year, I've had to tell him "No, forget how they taught you. Try this" and re-teach him the way he needs to hear it and BOOM he gets it. (Then I email the teacher and tell her "Hey, I told him to do it different and he understands it. This is what I did" if it's something really different)
That's why I'm wondering if switching him to PACyber, where Ethan is in K4 (pre-k), might work better for him. I've gotten a feel for how the curriculum is with Ethan, and how the day goes. I've also been able to get Ethan to actually sit down daily and do the work without any trouble at all. He loves the "work". I realize Liam would be doing harder work than Ethan, but other people do it without issue... and we could slow down and work through the things he needs to take more time on and go quicker through the things he has already got down pat. If he's forced to work more on things he already understands, he freaks. He begins to get antsy and then is certain he's messed up and can't do it. I'd like to be able to spend more time with some of his spelling. They move through a list of 15 words in a week. He MIGHT remember them for the test, and then he's completely forgotten them weeks later. Leading to frustrations and arguments when he asks how to spell them and we remind him that was the one he had on last week's spelling test and ask him to try first.
I've spent years with anxiety issues (and depression). I've only been diagnosed for maybe 10ish years, but looking back I had them from around his age. I know how terrifying it is to KNOW the right answer and KNOW what to say, but have that fear that everyone will laugh because you'll trip, sneeze, make your number look weird on the chalk board, say the wrong thing... I spent many times not answering in class or being afraid to write on a paper because someone might see I'm taking too long, or that I'm going too quickly.
I missed out on my chance at finishing college with my friends because of it. I had awesome classes at Pitt that I wanted to be in... that I wanted to do. I had biology labs my first semester where we dissected pigs! It was SO COOL! But I couldn't go to class because I was afraid of walking in late, or too early, or messing up something as we learned. I would panic so much I couldn't enter the building. Then I would panic because I couldn't tell anyone. Then I would panic because I was failing because I couldn't contact anyone to tell them I had a problem. Just watch the snowball get bigger and roll down the hill faster.....
I don't leave the house many days because of it even now. I don't call the doctor, even if I'm having bad pains, because they might think I'm wrong. I forget things pretty easily, and they might think I'm lying when I forget something. I occasionally can't figure out how to speak certain words, which is not only annoying, but rather embarrassing, as I'm standing talking to someone and I can't remember the word "water" as I'm trying to ask for a glass of water.
It just kills me to have the same thing happen to Liam. To see him so anxious and freaked out makes me angry, upset, and.. well.. anxious and freaked out. There isn't a fucking thing I can do either. Dr Faber doesn't want to raise his meds since higher doses can LEAD to anxiety and stress... and we don't want to make him more anxious. I'm doing my best to keep him GFCFSF, but I haven't figured out how to afford the food for him for lunch, and the school says they can't provide it (even tho I have found sites that say the school is legally required to provide it... I just can't go in and argue about it with my anxiety issues).
ARGH! It's just so frustrating.... Think it's time for some melatonin and my pillow... maybe when I wake up in the morning, it will have all gone back to "normal".
Honestly, I can't deal with Liam having a good day screwed to hell by some kid who thinks it's funny to pick on him and doesn't realize that he goes from 0 to explosion when teased. I'm thankful Liam didn't do what he's done on other occasions, which is grab the kid by the throat and squeeze until someone makes him let go. (Of course, part of me thinks the kid deserves to have Liam flip on him... especially since the other kid has been warned that Liam doesn't always control himself and has "problems"... but then Liam would get permanently kicked off the bus. :P and yes, I know that's not a good thought and I DON'T want him hurting someone else, but I'm frustrated beyond belief here and I'm tired of him getting his feelings hurt.)
Liam always loved doing "schoolwork". He thinks that workbooks, worksheets, etc are the greatest things in the world. He LOVES learning. He could spend hours in a museum or looking through anatomy books. He'll beg for "educational" type things. He's always done that. On our plane flight to Oregon, he asked for math worksheets and reading worksheets from school, rather than video games to play. We go into Costco and he looks for new school workbooks.
That's why this sudden hatred of everything school is really frustrating. He's so afraid to be wrong. He's so afraid of being teased for saying or doing something wrong. He doesn't WANT to do stuff at school, because kids might see he did it wrong. BUT he'll still do the "curriculum" workbooks for his grade level at home.
He gets 'stuck' on stuff from school because he can't process the way they teach it. Several times this year, I've had to tell him "No, forget how they taught you. Try this" and re-teach him the way he needs to hear it and BOOM he gets it. (Then I email the teacher and tell her "Hey, I told him to do it different and he understands it. This is what I did" if it's something really different)
That's why I'm wondering if switching him to PACyber, where Ethan is in K4 (pre-k), might work better for him. I've gotten a feel for how the curriculum is with Ethan, and how the day goes. I've also been able to get Ethan to actually sit down daily and do the work without any trouble at all. He loves the "work". I realize Liam would be doing harder work than Ethan, but other people do it without issue... and we could slow down and work through the things he needs to take more time on and go quicker through the things he has already got down pat. If he's forced to work more on things he already understands, he freaks. He begins to get antsy and then is certain he's messed up and can't do it. I'd like to be able to spend more time with some of his spelling. They move through a list of 15 words in a week. He MIGHT remember them for the test, and then he's completely forgotten them weeks later. Leading to frustrations and arguments when he asks how to spell them and we remind him that was the one he had on last week's spelling test and ask him to try first.
I've spent years with anxiety issues (and depression). I've only been diagnosed for maybe 10ish years, but looking back I had them from around his age. I know how terrifying it is to KNOW the right answer and KNOW what to say, but have that fear that everyone will laugh because you'll trip, sneeze, make your number look weird on the chalk board, say the wrong thing... I spent many times not answering in class or being afraid to write on a paper because someone might see I'm taking too long, or that I'm going too quickly.
I missed out on my chance at finishing college with my friends because of it. I had awesome classes at Pitt that I wanted to be in... that I wanted to do. I had biology labs my first semester where we dissected pigs! It was SO COOL! But I couldn't go to class because I was afraid of walking in late, or too early, or messing up something as we learned. I would panic so much I couldn't enter the building. Then I would panic because I couldn't tell anyone. Then I would panic because I was failing because I couldn't contact anyone to tell them I had a problem. Just watch the snowball get bigger and roll down the hill faster.....
I don't leave the house many days because of it even now. I don't call the doctor, even if I'm having bad pains, because they might think I'm wrong. I forget things pretty easily, and they might think I'm lying when I forget something. I occasionally can't figure out how to speak certain words, which is not only annoying, but rather embarrassing, as I'm standing talking to someone and I can't remember the word "water" as I'm trying to ask for a glass of water.
It just kills me to have the same thing happen to Liam. To see him so anxious and freaked out makes me angry, upset, and.. well.. anxious and freaked out. There isn't a fucking thing I can do either. Dr Faber doesn't want to raise his meds since higher doses can LEAD to anxiety and stress... and we don't want to make him more anxious. I'm doing my best to keep him GFCFSF, but I haven't figured out how to afford the food for him for lunch, and the school says they can't provide it (even tho I have found sites that say the school is legally required to provide it... I just can't go in and argue about it with my anxiety issues).
ARGH! It's just so frustrating.... Think it's time for some melatonin and my pillow... maybe when I wake up in the morning, it will have all gone back to "normal".
Monday, February 14, 2011
Getting back into the swing of things...
I've been really bad about blogging recently. I leave random comments on my Facebook page, but my initial goal in having my Blogspot journal and my Livejournal journal was to actually write out full thoughts. I did better when LJ was the only outlet, then FB came along and ate my soul. Now, while FB still has most of my soul, I'm going to try to write at least a little bit every other day (or every day) about how things went that day. Maybe I can start getting some things into a better rhythm...
Let's start with a recap of what's going on with the kiddos...
Liam is doing really good in school. He had some small issues today, but I expected that with him having the Valentines' Day party. Parties always mess up the routine and make it hard for him to concentrate during the day. He also seems to be coming down with the cold that I have. With his immune system issues, he doesn't get sick "normally"... which is good and bad all at the same time. We've been working on the GFCFSF diet. He's pretty much entirely soy free. That's been pretty simple since I can't have soy either. He's also probably 98% Casein free at home. I still need to figure out how to do daily lunches for him for school without going broke. The school says they can't provide food for his diet, tho the information I'm finding online says that they are legally bound to fulfill his diet's special needs. We had to send in a doctor's note to allow him to have apple juice instead of milk (the only choices are 2% or skim milk) for lunch. If we could find these for less than $4 a box, and if the school had a microwave/oven, I'd buy those and send them in for him for lunch.
Ethan just started school at PACyber in the K4 program. We got his books and materials on Saturday, and now we're just waiting for his laptop, scanner, printer, etc. He's pretty excited about everything. In going through the first workbooks, I've noticed that a lot of the initial stuff to do is already stuff he's already done with the TSS or with me in other workbooks. I think that he'll be able to go pretty quickly through this initial stuff. I'm anxious to see how he does when he gets into the more challenging stuff.
He's also going to be going back to speech this week. Ms H got it through the insurance, so he'll be doing a group speech session on Wednesdays now. When I told him last week that he'd be seeing Ms H again, he was all excited. :)
Health wise, he's doing good. We finally had the post-op appt for Urology last Friday. The doctor said that his incision looked really good, and there is no sign of the Hernia or either of the Hydroceles reappearing. He did tell me that sometimes they do come back, and sometimes they come back on the opposite side, so I will be keeping an eye on things, as usual. We are still waiting to get an appointment with the special neurologist to talk about Tourette Syndrome and Tic Disorder. I should be getting a call sometime in March to schedule apparently. I need to call the doctor back we saw in December and see if she sent out the report from his appointment. She had said it would be a bit longer since it was over the holidays, but I think we should have received it by now.
As for me... well, I'm trying to get things back into a routine. At the end of last summer, I found out there was a major mess up with my student aid, so I'm no longer working on my Bachelors. I'm pretty annoyed about it. I would have been graduating this August if this mess up wouldn't have happened. SO close to getting that finished, yet so far away. I did pick up a certificate course through the same place I did my Pharmacy Tech training, in Medical Billing & Coding. I decided to do this mostly to have the knowledge on billing and coding for when I become an IBCLC... and also it will help me navigate the stuff with the boys' medical stuff.
Right now I am trying to get myself to call my doctor to see what is going on with me. I've been having issues that is more than likely Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and every few weeks I've been having issues with either my heart or lungs (can't tell exactly what is going on). The main reason I haven't called is because I'm afraid that the doctor will say that there isn't anything wrong. Yeah, it's stupid I know. It seems when the issues happen, I don't have anyone to watch the kids or a way of getting into the doctor/clinic/etc. I know I really need to get over it and just make the call or go into the walk in clinic and deal. I am hoping with the new routine that I'm trying to set up that I'll feel more comfortable doing that.
I'm also working on re-doing my office. My goal is to get things moved around, add more shelving to get things along the walls and out of the middle of the floor. Then the next plan will be to get a couch. Yes, a piece of real furniture! I realized that I spend more time sitting at the computer because that's the only chair that I have that isn't a folding chair. I don't sit with the kids to play video games because I don't like the folding chairs in the livingroom. Recently, Ethan has been wanting to sit and cuddle with me to watch shows after he is done with the TSS, but it's not comfortable to sit at the computer chair with him on my lap. He does like to be "squished" behind me, but again, that's not really the same. I remember sitting with Mom in her chair and watching Sesame Street and Mister Rogers. I loved that! I really think adding that in, and having a full routine where Ethan has TSS in the morning, then we sit and watch some shows, and then we do his school work before Liam gets home will really help his routine.
Not to mention that I hate inviting people over since our only seating arrangement is folding chairs. I'd love to have Mom, Dad, and Papa come down sometime but they can't be expected to sit on metal folding chairs. We did have a futon, but honestly I don't like that thing. It's too low to the ground. I can't easily get up and down on that thing. It's also not very soft, and you have to keep pulling the mat back up on it. Just really not convenient in my opinion. It would be fine for a spare room, but I want something for every day.
I'd really like to get this place feeling more like a "home". I think it would help with a lot my other issues.
I'm also hoping to save up to buy myself a treadmill. I can't get myself motivated to go out and walk, and can't afford to pay for childcare plus the gym membership to go out to do it. I'm thinking that if I can get a good treadmill here, I can walk on it late at night when I'm watching my TV shows.
Eh. That's a pretty decent start.
Let's start with a recap of what's going on with the kiddos...
Liam is doing really good in school. He had some small issues today, but I expected that with him having the Valentines' Day party. Parties always mess up the routine and make it hard for him to concentrate during the day. He also seems to be coming down with the cold that I have. With his immune system issues, he doesn't get sick "normally"... which is good and bad all at the same time. We've been working on the GFCFSF diet. He's pretty much entirely soy free. That's been pretty simple since I can't have soy either. He's also probably 98% Casein free at home. I still need to figure out how to do daily lunches for him for school without going broke. The school says they can't provide food for his diet, tho the information I'm finding online says that they are legally bound to fulfill his diet's special needs. We had to send in a doctor's note to allow him to have apple juice instead of milk (the only choices are 2% or skim milk) for lunch. If we could find these for less than $4 a box, and if the school had a microwave/oven, I'd buy those and send them in for him for lunch.
Ethan just started school at PACyber in the K4 program. We got his books and materials on Saturday, and now we're just waiting for his laptop, scanner, printer, etc. He's pretty excited about everything. In going through the first workbooks, I've noticed that a lot of the initial stuff to do is already stuff he's already done with the TSS or with me in other workbooks. I think that he'll be able to go pretty quickly through this initial stuff. I'm anxious to see how he does when he gets into the more challenging stuff.
He's also going to be going back to speech this week. Ms H got it through the insurance, so he'll be doing a group speech session on Wednesdays now. When I told him last week that he'd be seeing Ms H again, he was all excited. :)
Health wise, he's doing good. We finally had the post-op appt for Urology last Friday. The doctor said that his incision looked really good, and there is no sign of the Hernia or either of the Hydroceles reappearing. He did tell me that sometimes they do come back, and sometimes they come back on the opposite side, so I will be keeping an eye on things, as usual. We are still waiting to get an appointment with the special neurologist to talk about Tourette Syndrome and Tic Disorder. I should be getting a call sometime in March to schedule apparently. I need to call the doctor back we saw in December and see if she sent out the report from his appointment. She had said it would be a bit longer since it was over the holidays, but I think we should have received it by now.
As for me... well, I'm trying to get things back into a routine. At the end of last summer, I found out there was a major mess up with my student aid, so I'm no longer working on my Bachelors. I'm pretty annoyed about it. I would have been graduating this August if this mess up wouldn't have happened. SO close to getting that finished, yet so far away. I did pick up a certificate course through the same place I did my Pharmacy Tech training, in Medical Billing & Coding. I decided to do this mostly to have the knowledge on billing and coding for when I become an IBCLC... and also it will help me navigate the stuff with the boys' medical stuff.
Right now I am trying to get myself to call my doctor to see what is going on with me. I've been having issues that is more than likely Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and every few weeks I've been having issues with either my heart or lungs (can't tell exactly what is going on). The main reason I haven't called is because I'm afraid that the doctor will say that there isn't anything wrong. Yeah, it's stupid I know. It seems when the issues happen, I don't have anyone to watch the kids or a way of getting into the doctor/clinic/etc. I know I really need to get over it and just make the call or go into the walk in clinic and deal. I am hoping with the new routine that I'm trying to set up that I'll feel more comfortable doing that.
I'm also working on re-doing my office. My goal is to get things moved around, add more shelving to get things along the walls and out of the middle of the floor. Then the next plan will be to get a couch. Yes, a piece of real furniture! I realized that I spend more time sitting at the computer because that's the only chair that I have that isn't a folding chair. I don't sit with the kids to play video games because I don't like the folding chairs in the livingroom. Recently, Ethan has been wanting to sit and cuddle with me to watch shows after he is done with the TSS, but it's not comfortable to sit at the computer chair with him on my lap. He does like to be "squished" behind me, but again, that's not really the same. I remember sitting with Mom in her chair and watching Sesame Street and Mister Rogers. I loved that! I really think adding that in, and having a full routine where Ethan has TSS in the morning, then we sit and watch some shows, and then we do his school work before Liam gets home will really help his routine.
Not to mention that I hate inviting people over since our only seating arrangement is folding chairs. I'd love to have Mom, Dad, and Papa come down sometime but they can't be expected to sit on metal folding chairs. We did have a futon, but honestly I don't like that thing. It's too low to the ground. I can't easily get up and down on that thing. It's also not very soft, and you have to keep pulling the mat back up on it. Just really not convenient in my opinion. It would be fine for a spare room, but I want something for every day.
I'd really like to get this place feeling more like a "home". I think it would help with a lot my other issues.
I'm also hoping to save up to buy myself a treadmill. I can't get myself motivated to go out and walk, and can't afford to pay for childcare plus the gym membership to go out to do it. I'm thinking that if I can get a good treadmill here, I can walk on it late at night when I'm watching my TV shows.
Eh. That's a pretty decent start.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Happy Halloween to me...
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love getting dressed up with the kids and going out Trick or Treating. It's not really even the idea of getting candy, but going out and seeing other people and seeing how excited the kids get. This year I was really excited since I made the boys' costumes.
In September we began work on these costumes. Ethan wanted to be a dragon. I cut out felt triangles and hot-glued them onto a shirt. I hand painted glitter on other triangles for a tummy piece. I molded teeth and eyes out of glow in the dark FIMO clay to go on a hat. I knitted a head cover with scales that I just finished last Friday.
Liam wanted to be a knight. I cut out pieces of cardboard and covered it in very expensive colored duct tape -- did a front and back chest piece and then arm pieces. Made a helmet out of cardboard and duct tape. Knowing that he couldn't wear the helmet to school, I then knitted him a fake chain mail hat (I'm blanking on the real name of it... I'll think of it later) so he could wear it to school. We bought him a foam sword and shield to go with it.
Both looked excellent. We went to Zoo Boo last weekend and people recognized what both of them were supposed to be. At the Squirrel Hill thing on Thursday, they thought it was great.
Tonight, however, Ethan refused to put his costume on. He told me he hates it and it's ugly. Liam didn't want to wear the majority of his costume. They decided they wanted to sit and watch TV. I wasn't nearly as hurt about wanting to watch TV as Ethan saying he hates the costume and it's ugly. I told him that he wasn't going out trick or treating without his costume. That's what you do and that's that. He bawled. I even told him "Wear the costume that Mommy slaved over for a month or go to your room". I feel awful about it, I really do, but I still feel hurt that the costume that he liked at one time, he now hates.
I told him he wasn't going out without the costume... and he went outside and cried to Karl, who was working on the car. I'm guessing that he let them go without costumes. Liam came inside and ordered me to light the jack-o-lanterns that are on the porch to be lit, mentioned something about a change of plans for Ethan to only wear part of his costume, and then left again.
So I'm currently home alone... I do have the porch light on, but TOT has been on for 50 minutes and no one has even passed by the house, so I think I'm just going to shut off all of the lights and sit in the dark. Maybe go to bed early or something...
Oh, and did I mention today is my 12th wedding anniversary?
I've been dressed in my costume since before 5:30 trying to get the kids ready to go out. Now they're out, probably without their costumes, having fun, and I'm home alone. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Someone remind me of this the next time I want to do something special for the kids...
In September we began work on these costumes. Ethan wanted to be a dragon. I cut out felt triangles and hot-glued them onto a shirt. I hand painted glitter on other triangles for a tummy piece. I molded teeth and eyes out of glow in the dark FIMO clay to go on a hat. I knitted a head cover with scales that I just finished last Friday.
Liam wanted to be a knight. I cut out pieces of cardboard and covered it in very expensive colored duct tape -- did a front and back chest piece and then arm pieces. Made a helmet out of cardboard and duct tape. Knowing that he couldn't wear the helmet to school, I then knitted him a fake chain mail hat (I'm blanking on the real name of it... I'll think of it later) so he could wear it to school. We bought him a foam sword and shield to go with it.
Both looked excellent. We went to Zoo Boo last weekend and people recognized what both of them were supposed to be. At the Squirrel Hill thing on Thursday, they thought it was great.
Tonight, however, Ethan refused to put his costume on. He told me he hates it and it's ugly. Liam didn't want to wear the majority of his costume. They decided they wanted to sit and watch TV. I wasn't nearly as hurt about wanting to watch TV as Ethan saying he hates the costume and it's ugly. I told him that he wasn't going out trick or treating without his costume. That's what you do and that's that. He bawled. I even told him "Wear the costume that Mommy slaved over for a month or go to your room". I feel awful about it, I really do, but I still feel hurt that the costume that he liked at one time, he now hates.
I told him he wasn't going out without the costume... and he went outside and cried to Karl, who was working on the car. I'm guessing that he let them go without costumes. Liam came inside and ordered me to light the jack-o-lanterns that are on the porch to be lit, mentioned something about a change of plans for Ethan to only wear part of his costume, and then left again.
So I'm currently home alone... I do have the porch light on, but TOT has been on for 50 minutes and no one has even passed by the house, so I think I'm just going to shut off all of the lights and sit in the dark. Maybe go to bed early or something...
Oh, and did I mention today is my 12th wedding anniversary?
I've been dressed in my costume since before 5:30 trying to get the kids ready to go out. Now they're out, probably without their costumes, having fun, and I'm home alone. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Someone remind me of this the next time I want to do something special for the kids...
Monday, September 20, 2010
No More Blood: Part 1
Ok. I just have to say that blood is now ILLEGAL in my house. I swear if CSI ever used Luminol in our house, they'd be blinded by the glare. Seriously.
Let's start with the blood work the boys had on the 9th. I figured I'd take them then since Liam didn't have school and we'd have the whole day tosuffer get it done. The plan was to drop one kid off at the Sibling Center (otherwise known as the best possible place in the known universe) while the other one had his blood work done. Then swap the kids and repeat. This way both kids get playtime at the Sibling Center and I only have to fight one child at a time with blood work.
Liam decided to "let" his brother go first since he had had blood work done last year and remembered it too well. Ethan never had blood work done before, so didn't know what he was in for. Liam had worked himself up into quite a tizzy. I had hoped that if I had told him about the blood work and reminded him that, while it hurt last time, it didn't take long and he survived it. I'm certain had he been on his regular medicine I would have been able to reason with him and calm him down. Unfortunately he was NOT to be reasoned with.
So he was sent off to the Sibling Center and I went upstairs with Ethan. Ethan *danced* up the stairs... singing "I'm getting blood work done! YAY!". Needless to say, people were very amused. We checked into the office and he got all excited. The registration girl asked if he knew what was happening and I said nope. He saw the lollipops on the desk and asked for one. The girl told him that he'd get one when he was done.
So we went to the waiting room and played with Liam's Leapster Explorer. When they called him into the office, he ran in and was all excited. The Phlebotomist saw on the paperwork that the doctor was Dr Faber, so asked if Ethan was Autistic. I told her we were unsure and explained that his "current diagnosis" was Disruptive Behavior Disorder NOS, Rule Out of PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder), Sensory Issues, and we're not totally sure on other things. She asked him to go into the room that was 1+1. Ethan looked at her. Laughed, said "That's two" and walked to the second door. She asked him what 2 + 5 was and he immediately answered 7. She just smiled like she totally knew what she was dealing with.
As an aside, the girls at Children's Hospital are *wonderful*. They always have two girls per kid. One is changing the vials and the other stays only with the child and the needle. This makes it perfectly wonderful for kids who fight. I love it :)
Anyways, so Ethan DANCES into the room and jumps into the chair (it's like a normal adult chair for blood collecting, but it's double size so the parent can sit beside) and starts playing the Leapster Explorer. I sit down beside him and the first Phlebotomist tells the second one that he'll be a bit interesting of a case. She said that he probably won't notice the needle at all or he'll over react. Second Phlebotomist seems to not believe her. I told them that they could do whatever they needed to -- don't worry about hiding blood from me or making him cry. I'm used to the routine *lol* (My Godson used to be quite an experience to get blood draws from... *shudders at the memories of 4 adults laying on him to do a blood draw at 3-4 years of age)
First Phlebotomist starts to explain to Ethan what they're going to do. He won't put down the Leapster Explorer, so we have to take it away to get him into position. He looks at them a bit odd when they put the rubber band on his arm, but nothing big. When they put the needle into his arm he says "ouch." and then does a bit of "ehhh" and mild whining. First Phlebotomist puts her hand up and covers the needle so he can't see it. He acts like nothing is happening. At all. He starts to try to get up and we have to remind him that no, he has to sit. I pull out the Leapster Explorer and told him that he can play it with his left hand. He then proceeds to play with his left hand like nothing is happening.
It was almost freaky to watch him. At one point I almost got up to video it with my cell phone because I was in such shock. First Phlebotomist looks at me and says "He's Aspergers isn't he?" Second Phlebotomist couldn't believe it at all. She says she has been doing this for years and has never seen a kid act like nothing wrong. She's seen them be calm and do the "Ok, it will be over soon" routine, but never acting like nothing is going on as they move the needle. They did approximately 19 vials. Yes. Nineteen. Dr Faber's first blood work is extensive.
I'm pretty sure he did the same initial work up as he did for Liam's initial work up a year ago. This is what he checked for on Liam's: Serum copper, plasma zinc, lead level, selenium level, T cell subsets - CD3, CD4, CD8, CD19, CD4/CD8 ratio, quantitative serum immunoglobulins, CBC and diff with platelets, ESR (Sedimentation rate) , Tissue transglutaminase (tTGA) IgA antibody, antigliadin antiboties, antigluten IgG antibotides, anticasein IgG antibodies, antisoy IgG antibodies, total protein, albumin, calcium, phosphrous, alkaline phosphatase, ammonia, iron, TIBC, percent Fe saturation, ferritin, free T4, cholesterol, AST, ALT, electrolytes, BUN, creatinine, random glucose, amylase and lipase, and DNA for fragile X.
So anyways, Ethan sits still through the whole thing with no flinching. I asked First Phlebotomist to uncover his arm at some point since I wanted to see his reaction. She waited a minute or two and then moved her hand. He looked at his arm and did a reaction of "Ehh.. ehh", almost like a reaction of a bug or something being on his arm. She covers it and he stops. When she takes the needle out of his arm, he made no movement, until she uncovers his arm and he sees the band aid. Then he begins to pick at it. We tell him that no, he needs to leave it on. She takes off the band from his arm and he makes the "ehh" sound again.
She tells him he's all done. His reaction? He jumps into her arms and gives her a big hug and a kiss, then DANCES/moonwalks out of the room and up to the reception desk and asks for the lollipop. The receptionist actually thinks that he hasn't had his blood work done since she never heard him make a noise. The Phlebotomist had to come out and explain that no, he did have the work done. The office ended up amazed.
Liam was the opposite and about killed the nurse when she touched his arm to look for a vein. Cried all through the draw and most of the rest of the day -- even to the point of freaking out tonight when he took the band-aid off and saw the "hole" from the blood work.
I'm not sure which is worse -- Mr OverReaction or Mr UnderReaction! It was nice not having to hold Ethan down kicking and screaming, but was disturbing to see him SO relaxed....
Let's start with the blood work the boys had on the 9th. I figured I'd take them then since Liam didn't have school and we'd have the whole day to
Liam decided to "let" his brother go first since he had had blood work done last year and remembered it too well. Ethan never had blood work done before, so didn't know what he was in for. Liam had worked himself up into quite a tizzy. I had hoped that if I had told him about the blood work and reminded him that, while it hurt last time, it didn't take long and he survived it. I'm certain had he been on his regular medicine I would have been able to reason with him and calm him down. Unfortunately he was NOT to be reasoned with.
So he was sent off to the Sibling Center and I went upstairs with Ethan. Ethan *danced* up the stairs... singing "I'm getting blood work done! YAY!". Needless to say, people were very amused. We checked into the office and he got all excited. The registration girl asked if he knew what was happening and I said nope. He saw the lollipops on the desk and asked for one. The girl told him that he'd get one when he was done.
So we went to the waiting room and played with Liam's Leapster Explorer. When they called him into the office, he ran in and was all excited. The Phlebotomist saw on the paperwork that the doctor was Dr Faber, so asked if Ethan was Autistic. I told her we were unsure and explained that his "current diagnosis" was Disruptive Behavior Disorder NOS, Rule Out of PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder), Sensory Issues, and we're not totally sure on other things. She asked him to go into the room that was 1+1. Ethan looked at her. Laughed, said "That's two" and walked to the second door. She asked him what 2 + 5 was and he immediately answered 7. She just smiled like she totally knew what she was dealing with.
As an aside, the girls at Children's Hospital are *wonderful*. They always have two girls per kid. One is changing the vials and the other stays only with the child and the needle. This makes it perfectly wonderful for kids who fight. I love it :)
Anyways, so Ethan DANCES into the room and jumps into the chair (it's like a normal adult chair for blood collecting, but it's double size so the parent can sit beside) and starts playing the Leapster Explorer. I sit down beside him and the first Phlebotomist tells the second one that he'll be a bit interesting of a case. She said that he probably won't notice the needle at all or he'll over react. Second Phlebotomist seems to not believe her. I told them that they could do whatever they needed to -- don't worry about hiding blood from me or making him cry. I'm used to the routine *lol* (My Godson used to be quite an experience to get blood draws from... *shudders at the memories of 4 adults laying on him to do a blood draw at 3-4 years of age)
First Phlebotomist starts to explain to Ethan what they're going to do. He won't put down the Leapster Explorer, so we have to take it away to get him into position. He looks at them a bit odd when they put the rubber band on his arm, but nothing big. When they put the needle into his arm he says "ouch." and then does a bit of "ehhh" and mild whining. First Phlebotomist puts her hand up and covers the needle so he can't see it. He acts like nothing is happening. At all. He starts to try to get up and we have to remind him that no, he has to sit. I pull out the Leapster Explorer and told him that he can play it with his left hand. He then proceeds to play with his left hand like nothing is happening.
It was almost freaky to watch him. At one point I almost got up to video it with my cell phone because I was in such shock. First Phlebotomist looks at me and says "He's Aspergers isn't he?" Second Phlebotomist couldn't believe it at all. She says she has been doing this for years and has never seen a kid act like nothing wrong. She's seen them be calm and do the "Ok, it will be over soon" routine, but never acting like nothing is going on as they move the needle. They did approximately 19 vials. Yes. Nineteen. Dr Faber's first blood work is extensive.
I'm pretty sure he did the same initial work up as he did for Liam's initial work up a year ago. This is what he checked for on Liam's: Serum copper, plasma zinc, lead level, selenium level, T cell subsets - CD3, CD4, CD8, CD19, CD4/CD8 ratio, quantitative serum immunoglobulins, CBC and diff with platelets, ESR (Sedimentation rate) , Tissue transglutaminase (tTGA) IgA antibody, antigliadin antiboties, antigluten IgG antibotides, anticasein IgG antibodies, antisoy IgG antibodies, total protein, albumin, calcium, phosphrous, alkaline phosphatase, ammonia, iron, TIBC, percent Fe saturation, ferritin, free T4, cholesterol, AST, ALT, electrolytes, BUN, creatinine, random glucose, amylase and lipase, and DNA for fragile X.
So anyways, Ethan sits still through the whole thing with no flinching. I asked First Phlebotomist to uncover his arm at some point since I wanted to see his reaction. She waited a minute or two and then moved her hand. He looked at his arm and did a reaction of "Ehh.. ehh", almost like a reaction of a bug or something being on his arm. She covers it and he stops. When she takes the needle out of his arm, he made no movement, until she uncovers his arm and he sees the band aid. Then he begins to pick at it. We tell him that no, he needs to leave it on. She takes off the band from his arm and he makes the "ehh" sound again.
She tells him he's all done. His reaction? He jumps into her arms and gives her a big hug and a kiss, then DANCES/moonwalks out of the room and up to the reception desk and asks for the lollipop. The receptionist actually thinks that he hasn't had his blood work done since she never heard him make a noise. The Phlebotomist had to come out and explain that no, he did have the work done. The office ended up amazed.
Liam was the opposite and about killed the nurse when she touched his arm to look for a vein. Cried all through the draw and most of the rest of the day -- even to the point of freaking out tonight when he took the band-aid off and saw the "hole" from the blood work.
I'm not sure which is worse -- Mr OverReaction or Mr UnderReaction! It was nice not having to hold Ethan down kicking and screaming, but was disturbing to see him SO relaxed....
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Liam amusement...
I've been meaning to start recording more of the kid-stuff that happens and I haven't been keeping up on that much... Here's an amusing antidote from tonight:
So I'm sitting here in my office, watching Ghost Hunters with Liam and poking on Facebook before bed (gotta make sure my farm, frontier, island, and monster backyard are all safe before bedtime!) Liam walks out of the room to go to the bathroom.
I hear the toilet flush (we have the new dual flush toilets, so the toilet flushes really quickly and quietly).
Then I hear Tiger (our cat for those of you out of the loop) SCREAM and race past me from the direction of the bathroom. She almost takes out my foot and barely misses embedding herself into the front of the TV and then the front door in her panic to get away from whatever just scared the everloving piss out of her.
Before she finishes bouncing off the walls, Liam comes running out of the bathroom. He's PANTING and white as a sheet (ok, whiter than a sheet since the kid is already pale as all get out). He starts going "Mama, Mama, Mama!". I asked him what was wrong and then he saw Tiger and started breathing again...
Apparently he went into the bathroom without turning on the light. Tiger was attacking some random piece of fuzz and didn't notice he was in there. Liam then flushed the toilet, which scared the piss out of Tiger... who then scared the piss out of Liam.
Thankfully, Liam had already peed...
So I'm sitting here in my office, watching Ghost Hunters with Liam and poking on Facebook before bed (gotta make sure my farm, frontier, island, and monster backyard are all safe before bedtime!) Liam walks out of the room to go to the bathroom.
I hear the toilet flush (we have the new dual flush toilets, so the toilet flushes really quickly and quietly).
Then I hear Tiger (our cat for those of you out of the loop) SCREAM and race past me from the direction of the bathroom. She almost takes out my foot and barely misses embedding herself into the front of the TV and then the front door in her panic to get away from whatever just scared the everloving piss out of her.
Before she finishes bouncing off the walls, Liam comes running out of the bathroom. He's PANTING and white as a sheet (ok, whiter than a sheet since the kid is already pale as all get out). He starts going "Mama, Mama, Mama!". I asked him what was wrong and then he saw Tiger and started breathing again...
Apparently he went into the bathroom without turning on the light. Tiger was attacking some random piece of fuzz and didn't notice he was in there. Liam then flushed the toilet, which scared the piss out of Tiger... who then scared the piss out of Liam.
Thankfully, Liam had already peed...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
What am I doing wrong?
I swear I have to be doing something wrong with Ethan. I've gotten to the point that there can't be any other solution than the fact that I'm screwing up.
He flushes toys down the toilet, and has done so as recently as Feb/March/April -- possibly more recent. We've had to replace two toilets this week. One had a Penguins of Madagascar penguin toy from McDonalds stuck in, and the other one had Liam's rattle from when he was a baby. It's the rattle that's in this picture from when Ethan was a baby http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k19/Jade1018/Liam%20and%20Ethan/2006/HPIM0610.jpg
Karl made a big deal about showing him how the toys BROKE the toilet. We pointed out that because of the toys in the toilet, we had to buy new toilets. Karl showed him the toys that had to be thrown out (or in the case of the penguin, the feet of the toy sticking out of the bottom of the toilet), and the boys saw how hard it was for the new toilet to be installed. Ethan's reaction was to laugh. He thought it was a huge joke.
He writes all over *everything*. Earlier this week when I was doing homework, he wrote all over the wall (the only one that hadn't already been destroyed) in his bedroom and all over Liam's bed. He, of course, got in trouble and acted like we had just killed his pet dog in-front of him and made him eat the thing. Next morning he was up and trying to write on things again.
Today I felt REALLY sick, like I had been hit by a truck. I have this problem once a month a few days before my period. Anyways, I was laying down whether I wanted to or not (had been sitting up talking to Liam and literally fell asleep) and Liam comes up screaming. He shows me a Zhu Zhu pet baby that Ethan had drawn all over with permanent marker. This is the limited edition stupid one that came with a set. Now we looked all over for the stupid critters and paid more than we should have for these silly things. Now it's covered in marker. I tell Liam to send Ethan upstairs. Ethan doesn't want to come, but when he does, he's giggling his butt off. I ask him what he did and he said "nothing" and then said he drew on the baby. I ask why and he starts laughing and says "Because". I asked for a better answer and he just laughed. I asked if he was going to do it again and he just laughed. So he got put into time out. I put him in his room and closed the door. That was a little before 4pm. He screamed until he fell asleep. We didn't hear from him again until 7pm.
He got up and came downstairs. I asked him if he was ready to talk and he curled up against me like he was sleepy. I said I'd cuddle him if he talked first. He threw himself on the floor and cried for 5-10 mins.
I told him he needed to talk to me first before he could go play. He takes another 10ish mins of crying before he talks. I ask why I put him in time out and he tells me because he drew on the baby. I ask if he was going to do it again, and he says no. I tell him that since he can't stop drawing on things, all markers/pens/crayons/etc will be put up and they will have to be asked for when anyone wants to use them. This causes another 15 minute screaming fit.
He also hurt the cat today and thought it was funny. Some of you know the issues we had last year with Tiger and her broken leg. As of now, you can't tell her leg was ever broken, except she sits with it sticking out a little bit. She runs, jumps, gets under your feet, etc just like any other cat. Ethan was running to the door and chasing Tiger and stepped on her paw. Tiger did a normal "hiss-crank" that a cat does when they get stepped on. Ethan giggles and JUMPS on her leg again. This makes Tiger REALLY pissed and she makes the hiss that means she's going to kill something. I wouldn't have blamed her for scratching him, but she didn't. She limped around for a minute or two as Ethan laughed. I went to check on her before yelling at him, and she seemed OK after a little bit. Ethan got yelled at and wasn't too happy to lose his toy while we drove to pick Liam up from school. Tiger seemed to be moving around and doing good by the time we got home.
Now I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong here. I don't want to hear "he's a boy and they do that" because they DON'T. I have friends who have boys who don't have drawings all over their house and broken toilets. I grew up with almost entirely boys in my neighborhood. Every single one of their houses were spotless and they never drew on or broke toys. These boys were pretty bad at rough housing too. I am tired of hearing "he's a boy" or "yeah, my kid does that" because I just don't see it happening at other people's houses. I haven't heard of ONE of my friends/family/neighbors having to replace 2 toilets at once due to their kids flushing things and breaking them. I haven't been in a house in my life that has drawings all over the walls and drawings all over toys, furniture, tables, etc. therefore I completely refuse to believe this is "normal".
I also refuse to believe that "all boys run into traffic" or do other dangerous things and find it funny. AND I don't believe that "all boys" jump on cats and hurt them and find it funny. If this was the case, we wouldn't have males in society. :P They'd have all killed themselves off by now.
I am tired and stressed about this. We leave for Oregon on Wednesday morning and all I can think about is that we'll be out there and Ethan will flush stuff down relative's toilets and break them or that he'll draw all over their walls, furniture, tables, etc with markers and they'll have to repaint their walls like we are going to have to. Or he'll destroy things on the airplane. Or he'll destroy things at restaurants or places we go to eat or do touristy stuff at.
*sigh* Liam had went through this "phase" way before he was 4. He was in and out of it when he was 3ish. His "phase" didn't last nearly this long and wasn't nearly this destructive. When you talked to Liam, you could tell he was "getting" it. With Ethan, I might as well be talking to Oster-bunny. I think he'd understand better.
He flushes toys down the toilet, and has done so as recently as Feb/March/April -- possibly more recent. We've had to replace two toilets this week. One had a Penguins of Madagascar penguin toy from McDonalds stuck in, and the other one had Liam's rattle from when he was a baby. It's the rattle that's in this picture from when Ethan was a baby http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k19/Jade1018/Liam%20and%20Ethan/2006/HPIM0610.jpg
Karl made a big deal about showing him how the toys BROKE the toilet. We pointed out that because of the toys in the toilet, we had to buy new toilets. Karl showed him the toys that had to be thrown out (or in the case of the penguin, the feet of the toy sticking out of the bottom of the toilet), and the boys saw how hard it was for the new toilet to be installed. Ethan's reaction was to laugh. He thought it was a huge joke.
He writes all over *everything*. Earlier this week when I was doing homework, he wrote all over the wall (the only one that hadn't already been destroyed) in his bedroom and all over Liam's bed. He, of course, got in trouble and acted like we had just killed his pet dog in-front of him and made him eat the thing. Next morning he was up and trying to write on things again.
Today I felt REALLY sick, like I had been hit by a truck. I have this problem once a month a few days before my period. Anyways, I was laying down whether I wanted to or not (had been sitting up talking to Liam and literally fell asleep) and Liam comes up screaming. He shows me a Zhu Zhu pet baby that Ethan had drawn all over with permanent marker. This is the limited edition stupid one that came with a set. Now we looked all over for the stupid critters and paid more than we should have for these silly things. Now it's covered in marker. I tell Liam to send Ethan upstairs. Ethan doesn't want to come, but when he does, he's giggling his butt off. I ask him what he did and he said "nothing" and then said he drew on the baby. I ask why and he starts laughing and says "Because". I asked for a better answer and he just laughed. I asked if he was going to do it again and he just laughed. So he got put into time out. I put him in his room and closed the door. That was a little before 4pm. He screamed until he fell asleep. We didn't hear from him again until 7pm.
He got up and came downstairs. I asked him if he was ready to talk and he curled up against me like he was sleepy. I said I'd cuddle him if he talked first. He threw himself on the floor and cried for 5-10 mins.
I told him he needed to talk to me first before he could go play. He takes another 10ish mins of crying before he talks. I ask why I put him in time out and he tells me because he drew on the baby. I ask if he was going to do it again, and he says no. I tell him that since he can't stop drawing on things, all markers/pens/crayons/etc will be put up and they will have to be asked for when anyone wants to use them. This causes another 15 minute screaming fit.
He also hurt the cat today and thought it was funny. Some of you know the issues we had last year with Tiger and her broken leg. As of now, you can't tell her leg was ever broken, except she sits with it sticking out a little bit. She runs, jumps, gets under your feet, etc just like any other cat. Ethan was running to the door and chasing Tiger and stepped on her paw. Tiger did a normal "hiss-crank" that a cat does when they get stepped on. Ethan giggles and JUMPS on her leg again. This makes Tiger REALLY pissed and she makes the hiss that means she's going to kill something. I wouldn't have blamed her for scratching him, but she didn't. She limped around for a minute or two as Ethan laughed. I went to check on her before yelling at him, and she seemed OK after a little bit. Ethan got yelled at and wasn't too happy to lose his toy while we drove to pick Liam up from school. Tiger seemed to be moving around and doing good by the time we got home.
Now I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong here. I don't want to hear "he's a boy and they do that" because they DON'T. I have friends who have boys who don't have drawings all over their house and broken toilets. I grew up with almost entirely boys in my neighborhood. Every single one of their houses were spotless and they never drew on or broke toys. These boys were pretty bad at rough housing too. I am tired of hearing "he's a boy" or "yeah, my kid does that" because I just don't see it happening at other people's houses. I haven't heard of ONE of my friends/family/neighbors having to replace 2 toilets at once due to their kids flushing things and breaking them. I haven't been in a house in my life that has drawings all over the walls and drawings all over toys, furniture, tables, etc. therefore I completely refuse to believe this is "normal".
I also refuse to believe that "all boys run into traffic" or do other dangerous things and find it funny. AND I don't believe that "all boys" jump on cats and hurt them and find it funny. If this was the case, we wouldn't have males in society. :P They'd have all killed themselves off by now.
I am tired and stressed about this. We leave for Oregon on Wednesday morning and all I can think about is that we'll be out there and Ethan will flush stuff down relative's toilets and break them or that he'll draw all over their walls, furniture, tables, etc with markers and they'll have to repaint their walls like we are going to have to. Or he'll destroy things on the airplane. Or he'll destroy things at restaurants or places we go to eat or do touristy stuff at.
*sigh* Liam had went through this "phase" way before he was 4. He was in and out of it when he was 3ish. His "phase" didn't last nearly this long and wasn't nearly this destructive. When you talked to Liam, you could tell he was "getting" it. With Ethan, I might as well be talking to Oster-bunny. I think he'd understand better.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Mothering then and now
Before I had children, I knew how I was going to raise them. When I was told that I wouldn't be able to have children, I still knew how I'd raise my potential off-spring:
As for the rest of the stuff... well, I didn't quite live up to what I wanted... not even CLOSE.
What makes it all worse is this person who I used to think was a very very good friend of mine (I'll call her 'S'), who used to tell me how silly I was to want to home school. Anytime I talked about homeschooling with S, she told me that I should reconsider and not be so selfish. No matter what I told her about why I wanted to home school, she was certain that I wanted to only to keep him away from other kids and shelter him for the rest of his life. I will admit that I expected that argument from my Mom. When I was in elementary school a friend of mine was home schooled for the reason of keeping her away from everyone else and the "bad influences". Other of my friends home schooled their kids and a close friend even un-schooled her children for the longest time. When I started having issues with Liam (which I'll get into later) and realized that I was going to need some additional help with him, I was very thrilled to find Environmental Charter School to put him in. I still miss that I didn't get a chance to home school him, but I am glad that I found such a wonderful school. Now S has young children of her own and she is adamant that her children will *never* go to public (or private) schools and will only be home schooled. When I remind her of how she used to make me feel horrible for this, just says it never happened.
There are times that I feel like a total failure as a Mom. People like S don't help this one bit.
Then add in the "issues" that Liam has... I'm sure I'll get into more detail overtime (since that's one of the points of this blog), but Liam has been diagnosed with an alphabet of issues. Right now he's at PDD-NOS, ADHD, Rule-Out Mood Disorder, and something else that my brain is blanking on this late at night. We had a lot of issues last year, until we got him on Strattera and then the dosage settled to the right level. He now has a TSS (Therapeutic Support Staff) coming twice a week to do what is called Wrap-Around. At the moment, the goal is to actually *try* to set him off so we can work on things to do when he has issues. Thankfully, the Strattera has made that a bit more difficult. His 1st grade teacher reports very little issues that aren't normal 1st grade behaviors. He's a very intelligent little guy and I'm hoping that now that a lot of his issues are getting under control, his intelligence will really blossom the way I think it will.
There are times when I am "sure" the reason that Liam has issues is because I didn't do something I should have (see the list above). I know that's not the reason.... and I'd smack another mother who said the same thing, but at times it's hard. When you are out in public with your 6 year old (who is tall for his age and easily looks 8) and he has a complete melt down because you told him he couldn't lick the floors, and he ends up kicking, screaming, throwing, and just making one heck of a scene.... it's pretty hard to ignore the looks of people. The "OMG! Look at that awful mother!" and the "She doesn't know how to parent!" looks are especially disturbing. There are times when I really wish that I could just explain that he's special needs and do what needs to be done. There have been times when what he really needs is to be held very tightly for a few moments until he can get himself under control and then he's suddenly fine. Strangers in the mall don't understand this. Honestly, I don't really expect them to.... It would just be nice if they didn't immediately do the "HORRIBLE PARENT" routine.
Now I am dealing with Ethan's speech issues... I don't really know of anyone who can understand him more than half of the time. He speaks... and during an eval, we discovered he is actually speaking in full sentences. You just can't understand most of what he says. It's frustrating to not only us, but to him. He can't communicate the way an almost 4 year old should and it ends in tantrums. Heck, sometimes it ends in ME having the tantrum! He now has speech therapy two days a week and while he's only been going for a few weeks, I've already noticed a change in a few of his words. He loves therapy and thinks his therapist is great.
Now if we could figure out the other tantrums he does.... Good recent example was today:
It's cold in our house. Hubby and I didn't get the heat turned on until tonight due to all of the things that have to be done to get it turned on (it's an older system with water radiators that work really good, but are a PITA to get set up). Anyways, so the house has been cold since it's been like 40 degrees outside. Ethan hates clothes. The kid will look like Rudolph with the red nose, but he won't put on clothes. I dress him. I really do. But as soon as I turn my back for a second, he's undressed in a flash and the clothes are hidden somewhere. Today he was all dressed at about 3. I was praising him for going potty and re-dressing himself all day. I told him when brother comes home from the bus, we'd need to leave to take him to his evening camp. I checked voicemail to call someone back from earlier and when I turned around, Ethan's naked. I tell him to please go put on clothes while I make this phone call. He throws himself to the floor, screaming uncontrollably. I ask him what is wrong, but his "Hysterical" switch has already been flipped. He spends a good 10 minutes on the floor, rolling around, screaming. I make my phone call so I can catch the woman before she leaves and before we have to leave. Ethan continues high pitched screaming this whole time. When I get off the phone, I tell him that we need to find clothes. He goes over to the stairs and hits himself against them. I stop him and he goes limp. Now this is "normal" for him. He goes "hrmpf" and just goes limp. Stares at you with his head to the side and his arms and legs just... well.. limp. I swear he gains like 20 pounds in weight when he does it too. He will also arch his back so if you don't have a good grip on him, there's a good chance you'll drop him or come close enough to scare the crap out of yourself. I try to reason with the kid, who now won't even make eye contact with me, that it's cold out. He needs clothes on. Brother wants to go to WK, so let's find something. He hits me. At this point I sit him down on the stairs. He "hrmpfs" down until he's laying in a puddle on the floor. *sigh* So I walk away to get a drink and see if I can figure out where the "off" switch is on the kid. Liam appears home. I let him in and tell him not to get too comfy -- we are going to WK. He sees the Ethan-puddle and asks if Ethan is coming with us to drop him off. I say yes and he proceeds to tell Ethan that we're going to leave without him... which makes the limp puddle scream while staying impressively limp. At this point I go upstairs to find clothes for the lump. I find PJs and figure that will be good. I come downstairs and Ethan has decided that HE is putting them on and no one is to touch him. If someone lays a finger on him, he screams like we're burning him or something. Ok, fine. Put the clothes on. He does everything in his power to put the clothes on wrong... backwards, upside down, inside out... Liam offers to help. Ethan attacks him. Liam attacks back. I want to go hide. Finally Liam and I get Ethan into the clothes. I send Liam to get his coat on go to the car. Ethan flops on the floor, seemingly unable to move. I carry the lump to the car and fight him into his car seat. He will NOT go into a car with a coat on, and I felt it too cold (raining and mid 30s) to let him take it off. He "hrmpfs" in the car the whole 4 minute drive. If Liam looks at him, he screams. We drop Liam off (about 30 minutes late), go home and I carry lump upstairs. He collapses into a puddle on the floor and then the cat walks past. Suddenly he's fine. *click* He stands up and says "Mama, can I have TV show?"
This is a pretty tame example of what he'll do. He'll do the "floppy baby" in the middle of a road while walking, in stores, while he's standing infront of you, while being held, while laying in bed, strapped in a car seat.... At a friend's father's FUNERAL.
*sigh* No wonder I'm on anxiety medicines and have issues with keeping up with house work.
This morning when Liam left for school, he came into my room and 'tucked' me into bed (I try to sleep a bit longer with Ethan when he goes to get the bus with Karl), asked if I needed anything before they left, turned off my light, and blew me kisses telling me he loves me. It was so sweet I almost cried. It made me realize that even the tantrums and worries of what other people will think doesn't say what kind of parent I am. What makes me a good mother is the fact that my son is that loving and caring. That is a learned instinct, only gotten from good parents. :)
- I would breastfeed them until they self-weaned.
- I would make my own baby food and never purchase the jars in the store.
- My children would be home schooled (or un-schooled) starting at preschool age.
- I would never resort to spanking/smacking for any reason.
- My children would sleep in my bed anytime they wanted to.
- I would never raise my voice to my child.
- My child would have labeled bins/shelves to put all of his/her toys in when play was over, and would take good care of their toys.
- Laundry would be sorted and done so the kids (and myself) always had clean clothes to wear.
- My children would be polite to their elders and I would enjoy taking them into public with me.
As for the rest of the stuff... well, I didn't quite live up to what I wanted... not even CLOSE.
What makes it all worse is this person who I used to think was a very very good friend of mine (I'll call her 'S'), who used to tell me how silly I was to want to home school. Anytime I talked about homeschooling with S, she told me that I should reconsider and not be so selfish. No matter what I told her about why I wanted to home school, she was certain that I wanted to only to keep him away from other kids and shelter him for the rest of his life. I will admit that I expected that argument from my Mom. When I was in elementary school a friend of mine was home schooled for the reason of keeping her away from everyone else and the "bad influences". Other of my friends home schooled their kids and a close friend even un-schooled her children for the longest time. When I started having issues with Liam (which I'll get into later) and realized that I was going to need some additional help with him, I was very thrilled to find Environmental Charter School to put him in. I still miss that I didn't get a chance to home school him, but I am glad that I found such a wonderful school. Now S has young children of her own and she is adamant that her children will *never* go to public (or private) schools and will only be home schooled. When I remind her of how she used to make me feel horrible for this, just says it never happened.
There are times that I feel like a total failure as a Mom. People like S don't help this one bit.
Then add in the "issues" that Liam has... I'm sure I'll get into more detail overtime (since that's one of the points of this blog), but Liam has been diagnosed with an alphabet of issues. Right now he's at PDD-NOS, ADHD, Rule-Out Mood Disorder, and something else that my brain is blanking on this late at night. We had a lot of issues last year, until we got him on Strattera and then the dosage settled to the right level. He now has a TSS (Therapeutic Support Staff) coming twice a week to do what is called Wrap-Around. At the moment, the goal is to actually *try* to set him off so we can work on things to do when he has issues. Thankfully, the Strattera has made that a bit more difficult. His 1st grade teacher reports very little issues that aren't normal 1st grade behaviors. He's a very intelligent little guy and I'm hoping that now that a lot of his issues are getting under control, his intelligence will really blossom the way I think it will.
There are times when I am "sure" the reason that Liam has issues is because I didn't do something I should have (see the list above). I know that's not the reason.... and I'd smack another mother who said the same thing, but at times it's hard. When you are out in public with your 6 year old (who is tall for his age and easily looks 8) and he has a complete melt down because you told him he couldn't lick the floors, and he ends up kicking, screaming, throwing, and just making one heck of a scene.... it's pretty hard to ignore the looks of people. The "OMG! Look at that awful mother!" and the "She doesn't know how to parent!" looks are especially disturbing. There are times when I really wish that I could just explain that he's special needs and do what needs to be done. There have been times when what he really needs is to be held very tightly for a few moments until he can get himself under control and then he's suddenly fine. Strangers in the mall don't understand this. Honestly, I don't really expect them to.... It would just be nice if they didn't immediately do the "HORRIBLE PARENT" routine.
Now I am dealing with Ethan's speech issues... I don't really know of anyone who can understand him more than half of the time. He speaks... and during an eval, we discovered he is actually speaking in full sentences. You just can't understand most of what he says. It's frustrating to not only us, but to him. He can't communicate the way an almost 4 year old should and it ends in tantrums. Heck, sometimes it ends in ME having the tantrum! He now has speech therapy two days a week and while he's only been going for a few weeks, I've already noticed a change in a few of his words. He loves therapy and thinks his therapist is great.
Now if we could figure out the other tantrums he does.... Good recent example was today:
It's cold in our house. Hubby and I didn't get the heat turned on until tonight due to all of the things that have to be done to get it turned on (it's an older system with water radiators that work really good, but are a PITA to get set up). Anyways, so the house has been cold since it's been like 40 degrees outside. Ethan hates clothes. The kid will look like Rudolph with the red nose, but he won't put on clothes. I dress him. I really do. But as soon as I turn my back for a second, he's undressed in a flash and the clothes are hidden somewhere. Today he was all dressed at about 3. I was praising him for going potty and re-dressing himself all day. I told him when brother comes home from the bus, we'd need to leave to take him to his evening camp. I checked voicemail to call someone back from earlier and when I turned around, Ethan's naked. I tell him to please go put on clothes while I make this phone call. He throws himself to the floor, screaming uncontrollably. I ask him what is wrong, but his "Hysterical" switch has already been flipped. He spends a good 10 minutes on the floor, rolling around, screaming. I make my phone call so I can catch the woman before she leaves and before we have to leave. Ethan continues high pitched screaming this whole time. When I get off the phone, I tell him that we need to find clothes. He goes over to the stairs and hits himself against them. I stop him and he goes limp. Now this is "normal" for him. He goes "hrmpf" and just goes limp. Stares at you with his head to the side and his arms and legs just... well.. limp. I swear he gains like 20 pounds in weight when he does it too. He will also arch his back so if you don't have a good grip on him, there's a good chance you'll drop him or come close enough to scare the crap out of yourself. I try to reason with the kid, who now won't even make eye contact with me, that it's cold out. He needs clothes on. Brother wants to go to WK, so let's find something. He hits me. At this point I sit him down on the stairs. He "hrmpfs" down until he's laying in a puddle on the floor. *sigh* So I walk away to get a drink and see if I can figure out where the "off" switch is on the kid. Liam appears home. I let him in and tell him not to get too comfy -- we are going to WK. He sees the Ethan-puddle and asks if Ethan is coming with us to drop him off. I say yes and he proceeds to tell Ethan that we're going to leave without him... which makes the limp puddle scream while staying impressively limp. At this point I go upstairs to find clothes for the lump. I find PJs and figure that will be good. I come downstairs and Ethan has decided that HE is putting them on and no one is to touch him. If someone lays a finger on him, he screams like we're burning him or something. Ok, fine. Put the clothes on. He does everything in his power to put the clothes on wrong... backwards, upside down, inside out... Liam offers to help. Ethan attacks him. Liam attacks back. I want to go hide. Finally Liam and I get Ethan into the clothes. I send Liam to get his coat on go to the car. Ethan flops on the floor, seemingly unable to move. I carry the lump to the car and fight him into his car seat. He will NOT go into a car with a coat on, and I felt it too cold (raining and mid 30s) to let him take it off. He "hrmpfs" in the car the whole 4 minute drive. If Liam looks at him, he screams. We drop Liam off (about 30 minutes late), go home and I carry lump upstairs. He collapses into a puddle on the floor and then the cat walks past. Suddenly he's fine. *click* He stands up and says "Mama, can I have TV show?"
This is a pretty tame example of what he'll do. He'll do the "floppy baby" in the middle of a road while walking, in stores, while he's standing infront of you, while being held, while laying in bed, strapped in a car seat.... At a friend's father's FUNERAL.
*sigh* No wonder I'm on anxiety medicines and have issues with keeping up with house work.
This morning when Liam left for school, he came into my room and 'tucked' me into bed (I try to sleep a bit longer with Ethan when he goes to get the bus with Karl), asked if I needed anything before they left, turned off my light, and blew me kisses telling me he loves me. It was so sweet I almost cried. It made me realize that even the tantrums and worries of what other people will think doesn't say what kind of parent I am. What makes me a good mother is the fact that my son is that loving and caring. That is a learned instinct, only gotten from good parents. :)
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