Spring Break

So Spring Break for both of the boys has begun... Liam had a half day of school today (Thursday since the feed seems to take a while to hit FB) and then is off Friday and Monday. Ethan's school was closed today through Tuesday. "Spring Break" isn't really meaning much for Ethan at the moment. His days are going to be mostly the same. I'm still planning on doing school work with him on Monday, if I can get Liam to not bother him while he does some lessons. But if the distraction is too big, we'll just wait until Tuesday to kick back into lessons.

Tomorrow morning, Mom is going to pick the boys up and keep them overnight. She requested to have them overnight. She also planned on getting Liam's hair trimmed before his school pictures next Wednesday. Liam is starting to look a bit like a sheep dog ;) Ethan's bangs are getting so long I'm not completely sure how he can see out through them.

I love it when Mom takes the boys overnight, but I also get really sad. I'm so used to having the little monsters around that I'm not sure what to do when they aren't here. I've never been one to want my children to go away. Yeah, I joke about it. Occasionally even beg someone to take them or to sell them to the highest bidder... but honestly, I like the little rugrats. I've known people who insist that they have to have X weekends away from their children a year. One person I knew even made a list at the start of the year pretty much saying "I don't want my children around me on these dates" and would list 2 weekends a month she wanted someone to take the kids. I'm sure she'd have shipped them off more if she could.
And really, for as much as I complain that I can't get a thing done with them under foot... I honestly don't know what to do when they AREN'T under foot. I'll have Friday afternoon, Friday evening, Friday night, and Saturday morning kid-free.... My big plans as of right now are to go to Ikea to get those magazine holders to organize my office and maybe take some allergy medicine and take a nap. Wow. Exciting! And honestly, I feel guilty about wanting to go to Ikea when the kids aren't coming with me. I'm considering doing that errand in the morning before Mom picks the kids up, just so they can go play in Smalland while I shop.
I'm just lost as to what to do without the kids around. The last 7 1/2 years they have been my entire life. Even a day away from them is just way too odd for me to be able to wrap my head around completely.

I guess in a way it's a good thing. I wasn't raised in a family who had constant babysitters. If I couldn't go somewhere with my parents, they didn't go. I did have a babysitter on occasion in my cousin Nadine (Tho I think that was more her asking to watch me than Mom asking her to watch me *lol*), and when Mom went on trips with ICES (International Cake Exploration Society), Grandma and Papa "watched" me while Dad was at work (and most of the time when he was home too since he could be quite the grump). Mom always said that she wanted me around and wanted to have me, so why would she not want to be around me?

But I can also see a big problem with this. I never really have any downtime. I don't really take anytime to take care of myself. I run until I pretty much collapse and then let the boys play video games upstairs while I sleep. Not really a good thing for me (or them more than likely).

I really should enjoy the fact that Mom is taking them overnight and do something for me. I thought about doing some cleaning, but honestly, that's something I can (and should) do when the boys are home. The weather is nice enough now to send them out back to play in the yard together while I do cleaning -- or I can set them up with a movie or a game on the wii while I clean. I should start off the day with getting a nice relaxing shower, and then do something that I can't do when I'm taking care of the boys. I know they are safe and well taken care of while she has them... and they won't drive her too insane (and if they do it's a pretty short drive). I have a cell phone on me at all times so if there is a problem, she can call me. There's really no reason why I shouldn't enjoy this.

So what should I do? Any thoughts?

Awesome evening

I've been told before that all I do is complain about the boys. I don't intend to, but I mostly use blogs and such as ways to vent after exceptionally rough days... so I suppose it does seem like all I do is complain about the boys.

Anyways, I wanted to point out a really awesome evening that I had with the boys tonight. I had hired a friend's son for manual labor around the house (he needs money, I need things done that I either haven't done or can't do, so it works out beautifully), so we dropped him off at his place and then were going to go get some food. I had thought about going out to Ikea so I could pick up some magazine holders, but the boys were overly wired and Liam hadn't finished his homework yet.
Liam was ticked off, even tho I had told him a few dozen times to finish up the last bit of homework he had so we could do something fun after we dropped off the kiddo. Nope. He would rather scream and throw a fit. Ok, fine, but then we aren't going the whole way out to Ikea when he has homework to do.
On the ride back towards the house, I started asking Liam about questions that were on his homework. Then I remembered I had a notepad in my bag. We pulled over so I could pull out the notepad and a pencil, then I told him we were going to work on the assignment on the way home. If he would work on it, then we could possibly go somewhere cool for dinner. Otherwise, we'd pick up what I needed for the rabbit, and go home.
He was pissed. He insisted he couldn't do anything without the book. I told him that I would help him to remember little details, so just quit screaming and freaking out and let's talk it out. He knew the questions that were on the paper, since they are the same each week. He had no trouble remembering those... and really, he had very little trouble remembering the parts of the story. It was like pulling teeth to get the first few easier things out, but once he got those out, he was doing really good. He ended up "finishing" the assignment even before we got to the house. We passed the house and headed off to dinner. He was quite proud of himself, as was I!

I had been trying to figure out what to do for dinner. Then I remembered I had coupons for Boston Market. I asked Liam if he wanted to go there, and he was all for it. After we ordered, I realized I didn't pick the coupons up at home, but the food was more than worth it anyways. Ethan ended up having Macaroni and Cheese with a side of Macaroni and Cheese :P Liam had a bit of an issue with picking out food since we had to avoid the gluten and casein. What he really wanted was corn. Last time we went, they told us the corn was in butter, so I told him that the corn wouldn't work. He was annoyed, but found they have a new "Garlicky Spinach" that he went for right away. The girl filling our order asked what his allergy was and I told her. She then offered to go into the back and open a new pack of corn, since when they get it in, it's plain. Liam was THRILLED! He got to have butter-free corn! :) So he had turkey with garlicky spinach, butter-free corn, and cinnamon apples. He was in heaven!
Both kids sat and ate their entire meals. No fighting. No screaming. The only dropped food on the floor was when Liam had a cinnamon apple try to run for it off of his fork. They both finished their entire plates. I ended up taking about half of mine home, but they ate all of theirs. I had some kosher dark chocolate in my purse and ended up giving each of them a piece to eat while I went to the bathroom before we left. I came back from the bathroom to see them talking nicely to each other and they had cleaned the whole table!

It was honestly the best dinner I've had with them in ages.

I was feeling a bit blah (this "spring" shit is wreaking havoc on my allergies. I hate it when things bloom. My head feels like it's going to burst.) so I said that we were just going to hit Petsmart across the street to pick up the bunny nail clippers that I wanted to get and then we'd head home. They were even pretty good in the store! I did have to talk to Ethan about randomly walking up to people and their dogs and starting to pet them, but that's not a huge deal. He was being nice and gentle (which is a big change from how he used to be), but some dogs just don't like kids, and he doesn't get that at all. He also thinks it's "awesome" when the dogs jump up on him and knock him over or lick his face.

Both boys are fast asleep and I think I am going to attempt to clip one of the bunny's nails and then go to sleep myself :)

Update on Liam

At ECS, each kid has a "shape" for the day. Their shape starts at 'green' and then moves to 'yellow' or 'red' as behaviors indicate. For Liam's class, if they end up on 'green' at the end of the day they get $2 in classroom bucks. 'Yellow' is nothing and 'red' is that the kid owes $5 in classroom bucks.
We ended up modifying Liam's a bit more, in the hopes of being able to track his issues and then once the time is pinpointed, we can then figure out how to fix it. With Liam's he now has smilies for his day. He has two columns to get smilies: "I will make responsible choices" and "I will follow directions the first time they are given". He can get a smile for each of those two columns for each segment of the day. At the end of the day if he gets 16 or more, he gets $2; 12-15 and he gets $1; 8-11 and he gets $0; less than 8 and he owes $5. If he has any issues where he is violent, it's an automatic "red". I sign them at the end of the day (or usually at the end of the week since I scan them in for reference later).
If he gets on "red" (or has any other major issue), he needs to fill out what is called a "Think About It" sheet. This is set up like a letter to home, where he has to say what happened (ie, "I had to move my shape to red today because...." and then it says that he'll work on his behavior, learn from his mistakes, etc. and then he signs it. Then I sign it and return it.

Since he had his "incident" yesterday at dismissal, he didn't get to do his "Think About It" sheet right away like normal. He needed to do it first thing this morning. I was really worried that this would set him off again and he'd flip. Sometimes even asking about an incident days later will upset him and literally ruin the entire day. He gets so upset (or maybe anxious??) about the incident that he just seems to not be able to handle talking about it. It will cry and then completely shut down. I think he's embarrassed about what happened.

I wasn't sure what to expect for today.

I'm happy to report I was pleasantly surprised! I got an email from his teacher saying that he did AWESOME! He sat and talked to her. He was calm. CALM! He talked about ways he could have calmed himself, things he should have done instead, etc. THEN he went on to have an AWESOME day and even got 2 bonus smilies!!!

WOO HOO!!!

I completely realize that this might be the only good day we have for a month, or it could be the start of an upswing and we could have a few weeks of this before it all goes down into flames. Really, there is no way to know. I'm hoping that this is, at least, a good upswing. I think both Liam and I could use that.

But really, it's still one day at a time.

Random thoughts after the "homework" debacle that was tonight...

There's a lot more that I want to write out on this, but as I was thinking about the other posts that I had made tonight, along with the talk I had with Kelly about all of this stuff, and then was writing a response to a current FB thread (http://www.facebook.com/JanetGreenley/posts/10150123855695920) this simple post ended up becoming paragraphs long. I figured it was probably better to put my ramblings out in here, rather than in a little comment window ;)



Honestly, I can't deal with Liam having a good day screwed to hell by some kid who thinks it's funny to pick on him and doesn't realize that he goes from 0 to explosion when teased. I'm thankful Liam didn't do what he's done on other occasions, which is grab the kid by the throat and squeeze until someone makes him let go. (Of course, part of me thinks the kid deserves to have Liam flip on him... especially since the other kid has been warned that Liam doesn't always control himself and has "problems"... but then Liam would get permanently kicked off the bus. :P and yes, I know that's not a good thought and I DON'T want him hurting someone else, but I'm frustrated beyond belief here and I'm tired of him getting his feelings hurt.)

Liam always loved doing "schoolwork". He thinks that workbooks, worksheets, etc are the greatest things in the world. He LOVES learning. He could spend hours in a museum or looking through anatomy books. He'll beg for "educational" type things. He's always done that. On our plane flight to Oregon, he asked for math worksheets and reading worksheets from school, rather than video games to play. We go into Costco and he looks for new school workbooks.

That's why this sudden hatred of everything school is really frustrating. He's so afraid to be wrong. He's so afraid of being teased for saying or doing something wrong. He doesn't WANT to do stuff at school, because kids might see he did it wrong. BUT he'll still do the "curriculum" workbooks for his grade level at home.

He gets 'stuck' on stuff from school because he can't process the way they teach it. Several times this year, I've had to tell him "No, forget how they taught you. Try this" and re-teach him the way he needs to hear it and BOOM he gets it. (Then I email the teacher and tell her "Hey, I told him to do it different and he understands it. This is what I did" if it's something really different)

That's why I'm wondering if switching him to PACyber, where Ethan is in K4 (pre-k), might work better for him. I've gotten a feel for how the curriculum is with Ethan, and how the day goes. I've also been able to get Ethan to actually sit down daily and do the work without any trouble at all. He loves the "work". I realize Liam would be doing harder work than Ethan, but other people do it without issue... and we could slow down and work through the things he needs to take more time on and go quicker through the things he has already got down pat. If he's forced to work more on things he already understands, he freaks. He begins to get antsy and then is certain he's messed up and can't do it. I'd like to be able to spend more time with some of his spelling. They move through a list of 15 words in a week. He MIGHT remember them for the test, and then he's completely forgotten them weeks later. Leading to frustrations and arguments when he asks how to spell them and we remind him that was the one he had on last week's spelling test and ask him to try first.


I've spent years with anxiety issues (and depression). I've only been diagnosed for maybe 10ish years, but looking back I had them from around his age. I know how terrifying it is to KNOW the right answer and KNOW what to say, but have that fear that everyone will laugh because you'll trip, sneeze, make your number look weird on the chalk board, say the wrong thing... I spent many times not answering in class or being afraid to write on a paper because someone might see I'm taking too long, or that I'm going too quickly.

I missed out on my chance at finishing college with my friends because of it. I had awesome classes at Pitt that I wanted to be in... that I wanted to do. I had biology labs my first semester where we dissected pigs! It was SO COOL! But I couldn't go to class because I was afraid of walking in late, or too early, or messing up something as we learned. I would panic so much I couldn't enter the building. Then I would panic because I couldn't tell anyone. Then I would panic because I was failing because I couldn't contact anyone to tell them I had a problem. Just watch the snowball get bigger and roll down the hill faster.....

I don't leave the house many days because of it even now. I don't call the doctor, even if I'm having bad pains, because they might think I'm wrong. I forget things pretty easily, and they might think I'm lying when I forget something. I occasionally can't figure out how to speak certain words, which is not only annoying, but rather embarrassing, as I'm standing talking to someone and I can't remember the word "water" as I'm trying to ask for a glass of water.


It just kills me to have the same thing happen to Liam. To see him so anxious and freaked out makes me angry, upset, and.. well.. anxious and freaked out. There isn't a fucking thing I can do either. Dr Faber doesn't want to raise his meds since higher doses can LEAD to anxiety and stress... and we don't want to make him more anxious. I'm doing my best to keep him GFCFSF, but I haven't figured out how to afford the food for him for lunch, and the school says they can't provide it (even tho I have found sites that say the school is legally required to provide it... I just can't go in and argue about it with my anxiety issues).


ARGH! It's just so frustrating.... Think it's time for some melatonin and my pillow... maybe when I wake up in the morning, it will have all gone back to "normal".

Getting back into the swing of things...

I've been really bad about blogging recently. I leave random comments on my Facebook page, but my initial goal in having my Blogspot journal and my Livejournal journal was to actually write out full thoughts. I did better when LJ was the only outlet, then FB came along and ate my soul. Now, while FB still has most of my soul, I'm going to try to write at least a little bit every other day (or every day) about how things went that day. Maybe I can start getting some things into a better rhythm...

Let's start with a recap of what's going on with the kiddos...

Liam is doing really good in school. He had some small issues today, but I expected that with him having the Valentines' Day party. Parties always mess up the routine and make it hard for him to concentrate during the day. He also seems to be coming down with the cold that I have. With his immune system issues, he doesn't get sick "normally"... which is good and bad all at the same time. We've been working on the GFCFSF diet. He's pretty much entirely soy free. That's been pretty simple since I can't have soy either. He's also probably 98% Casein free at home. I still need to figure out how to do daily lunches for him for school without going broke. The school says they can't provide food for his diet, tho the information I'm finding online says that they are legally bound to fulfill his diet's special needs. We had to send in a doctor's note to allow him to have apple juice instead of milk (the only choices are 2% or skim milk) for lunch. If we could find these for less than $4 a box, and if the school had a microwave/oven, I'd buy those and send them in for him for lunch.

Ethan just started school at PACyber in the K4 program. We got his books and materials on Saturday, and now we're just waiting for his laptop, scanner, printer, etc. He's pretty excited about everything. In going through the first workbooks, I've noticed that a lot of the initial stuff to do is already stuff he's already done with the TSS or with me in other workbooks. I think that he'll be able to go pretty quickly through this initial stuff. I'm anxious to see how he does when he gets into the more challenging stuff.
He's also going to be going back to speech this week. Ms H got it through the insurance, so he'll be doing a group speech session on Wednesdays now. When I told him last week that he'd be seeing Ms H again, he was all excited. :)
Health wise, he's doing good. We finally had the post-op appt for Urology last Friday. The doctor said that his incision looked really good, and there is no sign of the Hernia or either of the Hydroceles reappearing. He did tell me that sometimes they do come back, and sometimes they come back on the opposite side, so I will be keeping an eye on things, as usual. We are still waiting to get an appointment with the special neurologist to talk about Tourette Syndrome and Tic Disorder. I should be getting a call sometime in March to schedule apparently. I need to call the doctor back we saw in December and see if she sent out the report from his appointment. She had said it would be a bit longer since it was over the holidays, but I think we should have received it by now.

As for me... well, I'm trying to get things back into a routine. At the end of last summer, I found out there was a major mess up with my student aid, so I'm no longer working on my Bachelors. I'm pretty annoyed about it. I would have been graduating this August if this mess up wouldn't have happened. SO close to getting that finished, yet so far away. I did pick up a certificate course through the same place I did my Pharmacy Tech training, in Medical Billing & Coding. I decided to do this mostly to have the knowledge on billing and coding for when I become an IBCLC... and also it will help me navigate the stuff with the boys' medical stuff.

Right now I am trying to get myself to call my doctor to see what is going on with me. I've been having issues that is more than likely Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and every few weeks I've been having issues with either my heart or lungs (can't tell exactly what is going on). The main reason I haven't called is because I'm afraid that the doctor will say that there isn't anything wrong. Yeah, it's stupid I know. It seems when the issues happen, I don't have anyone to watch the kids or a way of getting into the doctor/clinic/etc. I know I really need to get over it and just make the call or go into the walk in clinic and deal. I am hoping with the new routine that I'm trying to set up that I'll feel more comfortable doing that.

I'm also working on re-doing my office. My goal is to get things moved around, add more shelving to get things along the walls and out of the middle of the floor. Then the next plan will be to get a couch. Yes, a piece of real furniture! I realized that I spend more time sitting at the computer because that's the only chair that I have that isn't a folding chair. I don't sit with the kids to play video games because I don't like the folding chairs in the livingroom. Recently, Ethan has been wanting to sit and cuddle with me to watch shows after he is done with the TSS, but it's not comfortable to sit at the computer chair with him on my lap. He does like to be "squished" behind me, but again, that's not really the same. I remember sitting with Mom in her chair and watching Sesame Street and Mister Rogers. I loved that! I really think adding that in, and having a full routine where Ethan has TSS in the morning, then we sit and watch some shows, and then we do his school work before Liam gets home will really help his routine.
Not to mention that I hate inviting people over since our only seating arrangement is folding chairs. I'd love to have Mom, Dad, and Papa come down sometime but they can't be expected to sit on metal folding chairs. We did have a futon, but honestly I don't like that thing. It's too low to the ground. I can't easily get up and down on that thing. It's also not very soft, and you have to keep pulling the mat back up on it. Just really not convenient in my opinion. It would be fine for a spare room, but I want something for every day.

I'd really like to get this place feeling more like a "home". I think it would help with a lot my other issues.

I'm also hoping to save up to buy myself a treadmill. I can't get myself motivated to go out and walk, and can't afford to pay for childcare plus the gym membership to go out to do it. I'm thinking that if I can get a good treadmill here, I can walk on it late at night when I'm watching my TV shows.

Eh. That's a pretty decent start.

Sometimes things are a privilege...

Somethings in life are offered as a privilege and an honor and should be respected with dignity.
Those same things can be taken away from you for things that happened in the past that weren't you fault.
This should be taken with the same dignity.